Who wouldn’t want to spend time with this crew?
I’m telling on myself.
The story in my head is that I’m a committed, loving spouse who enjoys her husband and wants to spend time with him. Meaningful talks, spontaneous dates, uninterrupted time together - I tell myself I long for more loving connections with my husband.
Just not right now.
Maybe later. When I’ve finished this post. Or this book. Or maybe this bagel.
While I was writing this blog post today, my husband stopped home unexpectedly. I could see his car pull up through our kitchen window. My first reaction was joy! Yay, a surprise visit from my husband! What could be better?Unexpected time with my beloved without any children jockeying for our attention. Sounded like bliss. For a moment.
My husband rarely pops in from work unexpectedly. The last time he did, I assumed he’d lost his job. In the time it took for him to park and exit his car, I drafted a story in my head featuring our financial ruin and eventual homelessness. I expected him to emerge from his car with a box of belongings in his arms and a nearly undetectable droop (or possibly spring?) in his step. A logical assumption. Right?
Upon seeing his car this afternoon, my initial joy quickly (I’m talking split-second quickly) turned to annoyance. He’s going to mess up my plans! And I have important things to do, damn it!
Before he’d walked through the door, I’d decided he was going to want to talk, ask me stuff, find out how the girls’ field trip went this morning, blah/blah. Ugh, I thought to myself, I don’t have time for idle chitchat! Don’t f*** with my perfectly timed schedule. I have to pick up the girls from school in 30 minutes.
Then he came inside, announced that he was in a rush to get to a work meeting nearby. He didn’t have time to talk. Just to grab a folder he needed. And to pee.
Well, naturally, I was pissed. Why doesn’t he want to talk to me? Make time for me?
Don’t you wish I was your spouse? Sometimes my husband does.
Lucky for my hubby, I don’t limit my ambivalence only to him. I also have plenty of mothering ambivalence. Sometimes I miss my girls like crazy all day – right up until the moment they get home from school. Then, after a few minutes of joy and happy connection, I’m ready for them (or me) to be elsewhere. Ok, that feels too scary to admit. Does anyone in the entire mothering universe relate? Anyone reading this blog?
We’ve all heard that confession is good for the soul. Does anyone know if confession is also a cure for ambivalence? When I find out, I’ll let you know.
I heard it said once that motherhood is the greatest contradiction in the whole world. You can be driving down the road, nearly overwhelmed to the point of bursting with an overflowing love for these extraordinary people that came from your own body and, at the same time, you’re screaming at them, “I SWEAR TO GOD I’M GOING TO PULL OVER AT THE NEXT GAS STATION WE COME TO AND LEAVE YOU THERE FOREVER IF YOU DON’T SHUT UP!!!” And, at the time, you actually mean it. I laughed very hard at the person saying this because I had experienced that exact thing earlier in the day. I think we all feel that way sometimes! Hooray to you for being brave enough to admit it!
OMG, I love this quote and nearly spit hot tea through my nose reading it! You captured the feelings perfectly. Thank you for sharing it. I wonder how it can be condensed into a bumper sticker (or a tombstone inscription)?
Yup, I can relate! The hubby ambivalence, for sure. (And I’ve been happily married for 34 years!) The kids? Totally! Even know that mine are grown and gone, I miss them intensely and hugely, until they’ve been around for a couple of hours.
Thanks for making me laugh with this great post!
Thanks for commenting! My new goal is a couple of hours (and 34 years! Amazing!).
If you were easy to live with, anybody could do it. I like the challenge of it…
You make me laugh, big guy. One of the reasons I keep ya around…
Hi, I checked your blog, it’s lovely. I am now following your blog and returning the love.
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Will do! Thank you!
Very funny. It helps me realize why it is so hard to understand my wife.
Go away, come back. Go away, come back. What’s so hard to understand
. Thanks for visiting!
Sill me. What am I thinking?
I can totally relate…I miss them all day until the moment I see them! I sometimes feel like I’ve got a split personality…..and why my hubs can’t figure me out! Visiting from Kludgymom!
Split personalities are “in!” And my husband just shakes his head at me most of the time. Thanks for visiting!
I totally relate to all of this! I can’t wait for my husband to get home from work, and when he does, I’m totally annoyed. And yes, I feel like way about my kid too. It ebbs and flows all day long. I miss you, I love you, I can’t stand to me next to you. And back again. You aren’t alone!
Stopping in from Kludgy Mom.
It feels good to be understood! Thank you!
I loved this! I know I can be totally unfair to my hubby too… pissed if he doesn’t call from work, annoyed when he does. Poor guy! I also panic if I see him unexpectedly… like did you get fired or who died? But if you think about it…. they do plenty of aggravating $%&# to us too, no? And then they’re all like whaaaat? What’d i do? LOL. Stopping in from KludgyMom. Keep up the good stuff!
I think we’re married to the same man! Or we’re twins. Either way, I like the way you think! Thanks for visiting!
Oh man have I ever had that conversation when my husband works from home…and with the kids as well.
So did confessing it help ???
I think confessing this did help. I still feel ambivalent at times, but it’s good to know I’m not alone!
Yep. Desperately want to be surprised with company – and then annoyed that my space has been invaded. Miss the kids, resent work, then stall at the end of the day before picking them up. Sigh.
Our brains are like funhouse mirrors. Without the fun! Ditto to everything you wrote!
I can completely relate. My brain is almost always somewhere else. I find I am less ambivalent when I have some time alone.
Me too. Time alone works wonders for me too! I recently wrote about a short weekend getaway I took with two girlfriends and how much it helped to get away. Here’s to time alone for both of us!
I feel the same way! I miss the kids & husband and then as soon as the fighting or annoying little things start I’m ready for them to get back to school, work, or anywhere!
It’s kind of a vicious circle isn’t it!
Definitely a vicious circle! Who knew so many of us felt this way! Thanks for visiting!
Love this! I recently had a mini-getaway with my husband and was so anxious to get home to my little boys… 10 minutes of being home and I’m wondering what the heck I was thinking!?
-Abby @ http://www.omamas.com
Exactly! Thanks for commiserating and visiting!
My trouble is when I am in the middle of something and my hubby whines about my lack of ‘proper’ goodbye as he heads out the door.
Really dude? Am I supposed to hang onto your leg and cry because you are off to work like everyotherday?
Yep, I get it! My hubby would freak if I made a big fuss when he left, but I definitely like a goodbye hug and kiss!