On my flight home the other night, I wrote a beautiful, heart-warming, delightful blog post on my iPad about my exhilarating girlfriend trip to New York City. My favorite post ever! When I tried to post it today, it was gone. Nowhere. To. Be. Found. I was frustrated, angry and agitated. Still am.
As I’ve mentioned before, my new iPad was the ultimate gift to myself. Now I’d like to throw the thing across the room (or at my husband who I’m certain is somehow to blame for this. I just haven’t figured out how yet!).
Typically, I’m not a big complainer. Out loud, that is. I often swallow and shove my anger and frustration down deep inside where it festers until it comes out sideways at my husband, children or an unsuspecting telemarketer (or all three! Lucky buggers.). I wish telling myself to ”get over it” actually worked.
Today I’m experimenting with some new behaviors. Indulge me for a moment while I experiment with:
Wallowing, Whining and Beating Myself Up (Out Loud Instead of Just in My Head)
- Why the f**k didn’t I double-check to make sure the post was saved?
- Why didn’t I take a few minutes to learn how to use the iPad WordPress app before I started writing?
- Losing the post serves me right because I was too cheap to buy the $9.99 Pages app and instead used the shitty iPad WordPress app.
- Why didn’t I think to email the content to myself when I got off the plane?
- I don’t have time to lose a post! When will I ever again have two solid hours to myself just to write?
Not sure if whining out loud will be at all effective; even I’m getting bored with myself.
Finding the Blessings (Modeling “Making Lemonade” Approach)
Before I try to regurgitate my words and recreate the post I lost, I’d like to experiment with finding the blessings in this situation. I asked my daughter, Ava (8), to help me brainstorm the ways this loss could be a gift (notice I said “could.” I am not committing to letting go of self-pity and aggravation, only entertaining the idea).
- From Ava: “Chances are you won’t make the same mistake again, Mom. Next time, you’ll double and triple check yourself.”
- From Ava: “Who knows, Mom, maybe learning from this will keep you from losing a post in the future that’s even better!”
- From Ava: “Mom, now you don’t have to do this alone. You can write it with me!”
What a wise soul she is! Here are mine:
- Losing that post may slow me down enough to really think about my trip to NYC and the reasons behind the joy and excitement I felt being away from my family!
- Perhaps the replacement post I write will be richer, more nuanced and more distinct than the original.
- Rewriting the post will give me time to re-experience the joys of the trip.
- Maybe I needed to feel angry, frustrated and agitated. Re-entry into family life after being gone for several days isn’t easy for me; perhaps losing that post helped me get in touch with those feelings instead of using my kids or husband for that purpose (like I usually do!).
- Everything happens for a reason. (Ugh.)
- I get to practice being disappointed and angry, two emotions I try to avoid at any cost.
- The first post was simply a first draft. I can pretend my imaginary editor drew a big red line down the center of it and told me to start over. (Bitch!)
- Losing that
luminous, inspiredpost gave me the idea to write this mediocre, ploddingone.
- Maybe the original post wasn’t as good as I thought and losing it saved me from embarrassing myself.
Those are all the blessings from this experience we can think of. What are we missing? Any ideas?
Yes, many of these are a stretch. I do like the idea of looking (searching, digging, rummaging) for the silver lining in any situation. Specifically, I really only like the idea of it. I’m not sure the reality is particularly soothing or restorative.
And at the same time, a small part of me is grateful to let myself feel all of these uncomfortable feelings for as long as they are useful to me. (You’ll let me know when that is, right?) I hope to let myself feel frustrated, angry and annoyed for a little while longer.
How do you handle losing something important to you? Disappointment? Lemonade or lemons straight up? Let me know!