The GOTR medal that all participants received.
I ran my first 5K run on Saturday. I ran as a running buddy to my eight-year-old daughter, Ava; her first race also. For the past 12 weeks, Ava and her classmates prepared for this event through a program called Girls On The Run (GOTR). If you’re not familiar, GOTR is a national, non-profit program designed to ”encourage positive emotional, social, mental, spiritual and physical development” in these young women through running. Noble goals, well executed.
Saturday’s 5K run was the culmination of the girls’ many months of training; the big finish of this esteem-building program. And big it was: thousands of young girls and their running buddies gathered at the lakefront in Chicago for our city’s race. Every girl ran with a buddy; moms, dads, nannies, teachers, aunts, uncles, brothers and sisters and more all weathered the sweltering heat and showed their support, love and encouragement for these courageous, dedicated young women. What an amazing group of people. So much energy. So much joy, spirit and power in one football-field-sized spot. And damn it was hot.
I’d like to tell you what a fabulous time I had, running, laughing and celebrating this accomplishment with my daughter. I’d like to tell you how much I enjoyed running, skipping and sashaying the course, my heart filled with emotions. I’d like to tell you I felt all the warm, wonderful feelings I anticipated feeling upon completing this long-awaited event with my beloved child. Unfortunately, I found out too late that I had expectations of which I wasn’t even aware. Expectations that derailed my joy, at least for a few hours. Damn those expectations. (And damn my need to make everything about me!)
I’d been awaiting this moment for the past several years, ever since I first heard about the Girls On the Run program. I was pumped and ready; eager to meet Ava’s needs and be the best running buddy ever! We would laugh! We would cheer! We would bond!
Moments before the race began, Ava decided she really wanted to run the race with her good friend, N. I felt a twinge of disappointment, but reminded myself this day was about Ava and eagerly agreed to her plan.
As we ran, Ava and N. skipped hand-in-hand; N.’s mom and I matching their pace. My twinges increased.
Ava and N. giggled and poured cups of water on each other’s heads at the rest stops; N.’s mom and I watching with beaming smiles on our faces. More twinges.
Ava and N. supported each other, encouraged each other and cheered each other on. My twinges became full-blown contractions.
The reality of my changing role in my daughter’s life hit me head on and took my breath away (of course, my breathing situation could have been due to my lack of physical fitness, but that doesn’t make as good of a story!).
My daughter is growing up. Many of the things I’ve wished for her, hoped for her, tried to model for her, she’s finding and enjoying. She has her own friends, desires, plans and expectations. My primary job is to support her and celebrate her, every step of the way. And she gets to set at least some of the terms of our connection. It’s humbling to realize everything doesn’t revolve around my needs: for connection, for bonding, for affirmation that I’m important in her life. Thankfully, Ava doesn’t try to take care of my feelings or take responsibility for my needs.
Of course, she still needs me desperately. And she’s building her own life. One in which I will have varying moments of being the center and more and more moments of being on the sidelines cheering her on. More lessons for me. This time in letting go. Does anyone know of a national, non-profit program for that?
Crossing the finish line at Girls On the Run 5K
I’m participating in Pour Your Heart Out with Things I Can’t Say!
Oh Jesus. Thank you for the heads up. Sounds like you were the perfect buddy– you gave her space to soar.
Sweating and letting go are not a good look for me! Here’s to soaring all around!
I think that is why this “mommyism” still applies, “To be a mother means to wear your heart outside of your body”. Good for you though on your attitude and thoughts on this and most especially on doing the run!
I tear up just reading that “mommyism!” And I’ll keep running and writing if you will!
I really enjoyed this piece Mary, nice job. Oh those darn expectations!
Thanks! Expectations get me into trouble all the time! Glad to hear I’m not alone!
This is EXACTLY how I felt this morning when I dropped my three year old at camp He is going to a camp at a place we had only visited one time before. For the first time in his life I left him with people neither of us know at all. I expected him to be a little clingy. Maybe shed a few tears. I was dead wrong. He held my hand down the steps, let go of my hand the minute he hit the bottom of the steps and walked right into camp without so much as a glance back. The director had to tell him to tell me goodbye. I am thrilled to have such a well-adjusted, confident little boy, but I can’t help but mourn a little. The seam on that apron string is already starting to tear. I didn’t expect it to begin to happen so soon.
Oh, your poor little heart! And apron string! I hear you! I dropped off my daughter Rhys this a.m. at soccer camp with the same expectations (you’d think I’d learn by now). I’m worried she’s miserable missing me, but she’s fine and I’m crying … we’re a brave bunch, us moms! Congrats on letting go today … “big girl pants” indeed.
i like it alot and great article. uncle vito aunt cookie.
Thanks for reading and commenting Uncle V!!
Yes…The double-edged sword of growing up and being independent enough to want her mom-buddy two strides behind but not independent enough to do dishes & laundry. Katherine ditched me entirely last year in favor of a friend & her Scottish dad…who can compete with the accent??! Luckily I had Lizzie to need her Mama & then to my runner’s chagrin she stopped at the first port-a-potty…it’s only a 3 mile race! I look forward to the day I can volunteer as a buddy for a nice under-privileged girl who will appreciate me.
and then I’ll be sad that my girls are grown. Yes…damn the expectations!
Yes, yes, yes! You’ve described it perfectly! I’m like Jekyll & Hyde here with my sadness one minute over her growing up and my annoyance that she doesn’t contribute in more grownup ways (laundry, laundry, laundry!) the next. I wonder what expectations I could create if I volunteered to run with a “nice under-privileged girl”? Trust me, I’d come up with something!
First of all, I think you looked great! Second of all… your beautiful post made my heart constrict thinking of my own daughter becoming independent and pulling away from me. Right now (age 2) she’s so clingy that just today she thought I was leaving (I was just moving the car out of the garage, which I TOLD her I was doing before I did it) and she got so upset that she totally threw up all over her abuela and the garage floor. But I’ll take it while I can get it…
It’s so interesting how I can be annoyed with clingyness and distraught over independence at the same time! I remember the 2-year-old clingyness so well! And at times I miss it, so I’m happy to hear you’re enjoying it while you can. I hope you’re little one is enjoying some big mommy hugs and her abuela (I know that word from Dora the Explorer!!) is tolerant and loving! Off to give my little squirts some mama love, too …
I knew you would either know the word ‘abuela’ or be resourceful enough to figure it out.
Hey go check out my latest post, there is a surprise for you. I had fun with it, I think you will too! 
No f**king way!! An award for me! How fun! I’m honored and happy and wonder when the prize money will show up? Thank you for thinking of me and for all your support … here’s to “baby blogs turning into grown up blogs!” You’re awesome and soooo damn funny! Thanks again…
sounds like GOTR offers pretty cool life lessons to the running buddies as well as the runners. what an awesome initiative and character building experience.
And I got a cute t-shirt, too!
Re: “More lessons for me. This time in letting go. Does anyone know of a national, non-profit program for that?” – Well, it’s not non-profit, but it’s called out-of-state college! Don’t be so hard on yourself. We all have idealized notions of how things should be. The important thing is that you helped your daughter realize that she is strong and capable and it’s fun to get outside and move with your friends and family. Your love allows her to be confident and independent. I coached GOTR two years in a row and many parents thought it was just about how fast their daughters could complete a 5k. It’s not a competition, but an adventure for young girls to share with the ones they love and admire. Sparkle fingers for you!!
Thank you for the “sparkle fingers” and support! I agree, helping our daughters realize they are strong and capable is a worthy goal. Girls on the Run is an amazing adventure; I’m proud we showed up and experienced it! As an aside: I’m amazed at all you do! You’re a superstar!
I love this post. And yes, I totally agree – there needs to be a nonprofit that teaches moms how to handle moving to the sidelines with grace. My oldest is 10 – I totally understand how you feel. But good for you, mama – you did it. Allowed her to be herself and stood behind her if she needed you.
Grace is not something I usually manifest (or feel like I do) … so thank you! And I like your title for our new non-profit: Moving to the Sidelines with Grace! Thanks for commenting!
Oh, that would be so hard! I hate the thought of letting go. Even though I know my kids need to grow up.
I only want them to grow up when it’s convenient for me/benefits me and doesn’t hurt my fragile ego!
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I ran as a buddy for GOTR in May, and I had such a great experience that I signed up to be a coach this fall! Thanks for sharing your experience and for being honest about your expectations. My little one is not yet two, and already he is demonstrating his independence.
I think it breaks every mom’s heart, but it’s awesome that these kids of ours feel so secure in our love that they WANT to be independent!
Thanks for finding me! I love that you’re going to be a GOTR coach this Fall – yay you! Maybe once my littlest is in school full time I’ll consider that too. And thank you for the affirmation about our childrens’ independence – a mixed blessing!! Good luck with GOTR!
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