I feel angry. Glorious, full-bodied rage.
Every inch of me pulsates with passion and electricity. I feel brazen, voluptuous and alive in my body.
I am real. Free. Powerful.
And then reality hits. I am terrified. Terrified of the raw power born of my anger; terrified of the intimacy of sharing all of me, my anger in particular.
For most of my life, I’ve told myself that my anger is too frightening to unleash in my relationships; that “all of me” is too much. I’ve feared I would bulldoze through life, ripping large trees from the ground as I raped and pillaged the earth; scared I’d take more than my fair share, more than my carefully- portioned slice of life.
Instead I trained others to see me as a nice girl, a kind refuge. I expressed few needs, no demands, only accommodations. While no one emotion defines me, the more I shoved anger down into various nether-regions of my being, the more I became a prisoner to it.
I was convinced I could not be compassionate, kind and loving as well as angry, powerful and strong. One or the other. Choose, damnit.
And I did choose. For years I chose to stay safe and small and in control. I chose to rage at myself instead of owning my power in the world. Chose to believe my anger made me unlovable. Disposable. Unwanted.
Worse yet, I chose to believe my anger would hurt others; elicit derision and hatred while frightening animals and young children.
I am slowly, imperfectly learning to make different choices.
I have learned to express my anger with and at my husband. He has been a loving witness, and this intimacy often brings us closer. I express my anger with and at my daughters. While I’m not clear of the outcome, our relationships for now are strong and real. They are experiencing an authentic mom: human, flawed and ever-changing.
While I’ve been willing to risk expressing anger with my husband and children, until recently I rarely brought my anger to any other relationships. Again, I’m slowly making different choices. Now that I’ve tasted this untapped power, my soul wants more.
I want to live, to soar, to feel worthy of my spot in this world without apologies. I want my daughters to learn from me how to walk through life unafraid of setting boundaries, being authentic, owning their power. And I’m terrified.
Terrified and willing; willing to try out new behaviors and gradually show the people in my life a more complete picture of me – drop by drop. Slowly the colors of me are coming into view.
I am living through the backlash of loved ones feeling hurt or angry with me. My relationships at times feel out of control, messy, unsettled.
My new choices don’t feel better yet. I trust they will. For you see, I am learning that there is no such thing as too much me.
I am linking up with Yeah Write for their Summer Writer’s Series.
Great post. I especially love this: “There is no such thing as too much me.” I’m searching myself with regard to anger. I vacillate between stuffing my anger (for the sake of the relationship) and allowing it to come out and bulldoze my husband or whomever. It’s a fine line that I haven’t become comfortable with.
I agree – such a fine line. As someone who has stuffed for so long, I imagine I’m going to swing the other way at times too. Every time I express my anger, I feel like it’s over the line! It’s scary to even talk about anger. Thanks for being willing to discuss it!
Whether its anger or some other ‘deadly’ sin, I think understanding yourself and owning up to your faults (we all have them) is a huge part of discovery and self enlightenment. It shows wisdom and maturity. Some people never get there, are arrive much too late in life to make a difference.
Bravo!
Michael A. Walker
Defying Procrastination
I’m grateful to be learning and growing, even when it’s excruciating! I hope my kids have a different experience of anger than I did/do; they’ll definitely have to learn to navigate their versions! thanks for commenting!
I love that you wrote “I chose..” How mature of you to recognize that for most of us, most of the time we are making choices. The world will be a better place the more authentic you become! Dropping by via YeahWrite!
Thanks for stopping by! Who ever thought authentic would take practice and struggle?! I’m grateful to see I have choices today, even when I can’t make great ones …
Interesting piece and thoughts expressed. Good luck expressing and with the aftetmath.
Thanks! I keep you posted on the aftermath (or maybe you’ll hear it all the way at your house!!).
Loved this: “Terrified and willing; willing to try out new behaviors and gradually show the people in my life a more complete picture of me – drop by drop. Slowly the colors of me are coming into view.” Wow. Keep keeping it real. Ellen
Thanks, Ellen. Mostly terrified today … will see about willing!
Awesome, honest, vulnerable post! You are the real deal!!!!! Love you bunches,
I have great teachers! Thank you!
You can’t hold it all in forever; sometimes you just have to rage. Life is messy and difficult at times.
I hope to learn to love “messy and difficult” cause I’ve got lots of both! Thanks for commenting!
I’m the kind of person who shoves the anger done until I can’t anymore. Then I explode and generally alarm my family. LOL. Im really trying to change that. Having three kids under the age of four is a true test of patience.
I’m glad that you are allowing yourself to feel all things, and express all feelings.
Nice post!
I vote for special dispensation for anyone with three kids under age four! Explode away! Thanks for your kind words and for stopping by. Happy 4th!
This is something I have been struggling with. I keep my anger down and then end up blowing up. Is it that we are taught that you should always be in control and never let your emotions show? Great post. Thanks for sharing.
Anger is such a tough topic – I’ve tried to be in control and it hasn’t worked out very well. I’d like to be willing to express my anger without directing it at someone (justifying it) and not shaming myself for having it. Thanks for being on the journey too!
Interesting. I had to learn to stop being angry. A little anger is a good thing but exploding at everyone all the time is not. There’s definitely a balance but it’s hard to find. Good post.
So hard to find a balance!! Ideally, I can express my anger without directing it at someone. It’s beautiful when I’m clear my anger has nothing to do with anyone else, it’s just a feeling to be expressed. What a journey! Thanks for commenting!
For you see, I am learning that there is no such thing as too much me. Love the last line. Summed it all up. Nice piece. Erin
Thanks, Erin!
I’ve never been able to stop being angry. Ever. I couldn’t staunch it if I tried. And mine is the kind that terrifies others. I like that yours is manageable even in its extremity.
I hear you! I’ve had friends tell me that my anger isn’t nearly as scary as I think it is. Could this be true for you?
Thank you for sharing. Change takes time-for all of us. Bravo to you for seeing something you don’t like and initiating change. Have a great day!
I hate how long it takes to change! In my mind, once I see something, I should be able to go in and fix it right away – no mess, no fuss. That has never been my experience. Thanks for the affirmation that I’m not alone! Happy 4th!!
Now that’s authentic. Awesome truths!
So happy you are linking up too!!! I love this post (wait, is that wrong to say?). I can so relate. It’s probably why I run so much. Staying might require me to actually feel something, do something, impose myself on someone, require something of someone. Can you imagine the nerve of me??? This post was liberating to read. Thank you!
I’m open to you saying you love any of my posts!! Thank you! You nailed it – it’s all the same stuff – when I’m not honest about my needs/wants, I distance myself in relationships. You run; I distance emotionally – shut down either way. We’re quite a pair! And cute too!
I love this. I like to say that right now I am bitter and angry and those that can’t deal with need to stay away. I have certainly learned who my real friends are…it is a fine line, but if you can’t be you when you need to be, then you aren’t being true to yourself and in the end, you only have to live with yourself…great post.
Bitter, angry and honest are a perfect combination! Finding out who your real friends are is a scary proposition – thanks for leading the way!
I can relate to your post so much. I lost my temper twice when I was young and scared myself so much that I rarely allow myself to express anger of any type. Thank you for being so open and vulnerable and good luck with your process.
I’m blown away by the loving comments and support I’ve been getting on this. Thank you! I have similar memories of scaring myself (and being scared of others’ anger) that I promised myself I would never get angry. Didn’t work out so well for me! Thanks for commenting!
I absolutely love this post. I relate to it as if I had written it myself. Becoming our full selves all of the time is a process. I’m starting with the ones I love, and who love me, first too and that is motivating me to continue. Hope the same for you!
Yes, yes, yes! My husband is amazing at detaching from my anger and walking through it with me. Then he gives me a hug, what I usually really wanted all along. Mostly I want to be loved through my anger, not because I shoved it down. P.s. I still don’t like it when he gets angry (it’s only ok for me!), but I hope to learn detachment too. That’ll be a future post! Thanks for commenting!
This was awesome. Super powerful. A little scary too. But I’ll bet that’s how you’re feeling right now!
Yep, still terrified. If possible, a little more terrified than before I hit “publish!” I’m grateful for all the supportive, loving comments. Thank you!
It’s a difficult balance, I’ve found. I’m angry all the time at the politicians and their lies, the injustice. At home I have trouble sometimes figuring out what I’m angry about. I’m usually angry at myself for being angry. Choices, as you say, that’s what it’s all about. Thought provoking post.
Isn’t it funny that we get angry at ourselves for feeling angry? Never-ending fun for all! Thanks for commenting!
My mom is what I call a ‘cabinet slammer.’ …By always stuffing her own anger, she inadvertently taught me to express mine. I never hold it in. I get accused of being ‘passionate,’ ‘temperamental,’ and even ‘explosive,’ and although these descriptions bother me at times (don’t they sound euphemistic for ‘bitchy’?), I tell myself it’s better to be straight with people.
I love you. Will you coach/teach me how to “never hold it in”? A friend of mine called this post my “embracing my inner bitch” story. I like that idea and really agree that it’s better to be straight with people. And anyway, slamming cabinets hasn’t helped me one bit!!
I view anger as healthy. It is healthy to be angry. I view spitefulness or vengeance as unhealthy. It is completely possible to be angry without being hurtful and that is what I try to do. it doesn’t always work…
Amen to all of this! Expressing my anger seems to work best when I’m clear that it’s my anger and no one else is at fault or to blame for my feelings. And, “it doesn’t always work”! Thanks for commenting!
Mary I thought this was wonderful and speaks to both men and woman. I suffer the same thing, I am terrified about expressing anger, I loved this post! Loved it!
Terrified all around – thanks for relating. I think I feel more terrified after writing/posting this. Maybe we could come up with a stages of terror graphic? Or better yet, hire someone to do this scary emotional work for us!
Well done. Thank you for being so honest with us – and yourself. Your raw emotions will no doubt help others to take a look at themselves as well.
Thank you! I’d like to be done looking at myself, but I get into trouble when I focus on everyone else’s issues!! Thanks for stopping by!
I especially appreciated your last line about there being ‘no such thing as too much me.’ Expressing anger is so tricky to do especially when you’re in an environment that is used to you being a “people pleaser.” But owning and expressing all of you is important if you want to be present in your own life. Loved your honesty.
Congratulations on living authentically!
I admire the honesty and bravery in this post. Well done!
Thank you! It sounds like next week’s Yeah Write challenge is about writing authentically. Hope I can pull that off!! Will you be doing Yeah Write again?
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