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By Johnny Edward (Metal Mickey) via Wikimedia Commons
I’ve been looking forward all summer to having long stretches of time to myself and now I’m struggling to enjoy them.
I envisioned writing for hours at a time every day, something that would bring me joy and a feeling of accomplishment. I envisioned blogging daily and tackling some of the many writing projects I’ve put on hold for that magical day when my youngest daughter would be in preschool and I’d have time. Time to accomplish.
I anticipated jumping in and accomplishing immediately. I’m a doer, a go getter. Except when I’m not. And then the whips come out. I know how to pressure myself to get things done – push, push, push. I know how to avoid – no, no, no. The in between, go-with-the-flow gray place eludes me.
I have time now and I don’t know how to begin. I’ve avoided my computer all week in favor of finishing two novels and taking naps. Not sure what I’m so exhausted from, but something is up for me and I’m having trouble accepting myself as is.
If I’m not accomplishing, who am I? What value do I have? Doing and accomplishing justify my existence.
I could get busy. I certainly have plenty of tasks to do, everyday living type things. (I could even tackle the 15 loads of laundry I folded while watching The View but can’t bring myself to put away.)
I’ve often preferred myself as human doing rather than a human being. I don’t like being human. I don’t enjoy having human emotions and human blocks and human failings. I’d rather be a robot: punch in the required tasks, push go and move into action.
Except I love myself enough today to want more for me than just getting busy to avoid these feelings. I want pleasure and joy and lightness of spirit. I want to pursue my interests that bring me joy and feelings of passion. I want to believe I deserve those things.
Apparently, the only way to the lighter feelings is through these uncomfortable ones.
I don’t want to turn writing, blogging into a burden or a measure of my value in the world. If I write x number of posts a week, I’m good, I count, I matter, I’m on the right path. If I don’t, I’m done, worthless and washed up.
Happy you’re reading such an emotionally stable woman’s blog right now, aren’t you?
I recently signed up to receive daily affirmations from some guy called “Tut, The Universe.” The messages are quirky and fun and sometimes poignant. Today’s message pushed me to write this post instead of avoiding the computer for another day:
Mary, when you move, I move. When you reach, I reach. And when you go the extra mile, I clear the way. But not a moment sooner.
Which is why before you move, reach, and go, things sometimes look so scary.
Just like that,
The Universe
I’m aware that mine are luxury problems. And I’ve avoided sharing these feelings with you through this blog this week out of shame that I’m just a pampered, spoiled woman “boo hoo-ing” through a minor depressive episode. Perhaps that is true.
What’s also true is that even us spoiled, pampered whiners deserve to let go of fear and shame and enjoy loving support and guidance from “the universe” and some incredibly loving friends.
Please send hugs (and cookies).
Sending hugs priority overnight postal. I can so relate. Actually I think a lot of people will. I finally dragged my non-writing arse to a yoga class this week where the teacher reminded us that September is a month of birth and rebirth, and a whole lot of transition. Be easy on yourself and you will get there. I have to believe it’s true. XOXO.
Thanks, love! I await the Fed Ex man with open arms! I love your yoga person’s take and will borrow your trust for the day. Hugs back at you!
As a newly stay-at-home mom, I put a lot of pressure on myself too. If I’m not contributing to the family in a financial sense, then I feel the need to bust my rear all day everyday to make a difference that way. Or at least that’s how i felt at first. I’m slowly coming to the terms with the fact that i’m not Supermom after all, and trying to create balance to my days. Time to write, time to blog, time to clean and cook, time to play with my kids. It’s hard finding the time for all of it each day.. So I don’t. I pick out a couple of priorities, and focus on those and then let the rest of the day be in that “grey area” to enjoy. I deserve it. And I give my husband plenty of time after work to do the things he enjoys as well. We also make time for us as a family and as a couple. All with a good balance. The only one putting the pressure to accomplish it all at once was myself. Letting that go is hard, but it feels so good.
Hugs!
I love your calming, sane wisdom – thank you. My black and white thinking doesn’t serve me, yet it’s so uncomfortable being in the gray. Letting go is my vision for today. After I put away the laundry
. Hugs to you too!
Hehe… That laundry… It’s truly never-ending, isn’t it? I silently curse Eve as I fold my children’s shirts… If it weren’t for her taking a bite of that apple… We could all be naked and NEVER any laundry!
Happy weekend!
Love it! I’ll blame Eve too!
No more self flagellation. Glad you wrote this. I relate to every word.
I put the whip away (Note to self: research alternate uses for whips
). Off to take a walk. xo
Yes, please don’t be hard on yourself! Maybe you just need to re-charge. Being a Mom is a lot of work! We all have days like that.
I agree – recharging is in order. I don’t seem to trust that I’ll get back in. I used to feel this way about working out – if I stopped doing it regularly or took time off, I was sure I’d never do it again. Thankfully, that hasn’t happened – at least not for too long!
There must be something going around… I feel like I’m rebelling against myself: “Self, I don’t have to write to prove I’m worthy of your love!”
I should probably get out more…
(((HUGS to you)))
Me, too! Keep me posted and I will too! xo
Good for you. Besides, its only two days. Stop rushing and judging yourself. I am sure the writing will happen when it does and it will work for you.
Thank you for your confidence and encouragement. It’s been a weird week. Hope your back to school routine is going well!
After you have kids…you can’t seem to remember what you did BEFORE you had them…it’s probably just a matter of sitting quietly, listening to soothing music, and dreaming again…about what your passions are… When you do figure that out…take time for yourself and pursue them…you’ll be a better Mom when the kids come home from school!!
When my son was younger, I had to go to PA to take a graduate class…and when I had dinner in a local restaurant, I took out my homework and finished it all before I went back to my room…I couldn’t even figure out how I could possibly get that much work done! Then I realized my son’s sweet, adorable little voice wasn’t playing non-stop in my ears and in my brain! I could think! Ha!
Just chill! Then, you’ll miss the liveliness again, like I did! God Bless!
You are so kind. Thank you for your support and wisdom. I love your story and will take your advice – I’m overdue for some “chill” time! Have a wonderful weekend!
Good girl!! Amen!
Your problems are not luxury problems. You’re figuring your stuff out. And it’s uncomfortable, but good. Really good. I’m a doer too AND I also hold some pretty high bars with my blog. Over the summer, I was trying to post 5x a week with my kids home. Really???? Now, I’ve “lowered my standards” to a mere 3.
Not to make you feel any worse or pressured about being unplugged this week, but I missed you, dammit!
I guess it’s all part of my process. Ugh. BTW – I’ll take 3 or more of you every week – happy!
I LOVE notes from the universe! I procrastinate a lot, so I’m not much of a doer, but the past week I have been (more of a doer) and there’s a notable shift and uptick in my mood and down tick in the negative thoughts. There is a balance, but it is difficult to find.
We must be balancing each other out! I hear you on the negative thoughts – balance makes those so much better for me too! Thanks for visiting!
I can relate. I’m equally uninterested in admitting that I suck at actually getting things done. Sucks being human.