Photo by Petr Jan Juračka via Google Images

I had the privilege of being the Matron of Honor (MOH) at my dear friends’ picture-perfect wedding this past weekend. One of the duties of a Matron of Honor is to toast the happy couple (without making a fool of herself or alienating the bride and groom).

Because I survived the experience am now a seasoned toast-making pro, I’m sharing my wisdom, advice and a foolproof checklist to help you deliver a winning MOH wedding toast.

Goal

• Deliver a charming, engaging, hilarious, memorable, heart-felt toast (Read:  make the wedding toast all about you.)

Strategy

• Prepare, prepare, prepare (Read:  pressure yourself mercilessly to deliver a toast that will trump any other in the history of wedding toasts.)

Two Weeks Before Wedding

• Research role of Matron of Honor (Read:  Google definition and origin of word matron; consider getting divorced upon viewing photo accompanying definition of word – “a married woman or widow.”)

Photo courtesy of FreeDictionary.com

• Reflect on your relationship with Bride (Read:  actively avoid thinking about toast; obsess instead on why no one asked you to be a Maid of Honor when you still had the figure to rock a bridesmaid dress.)

• Assure Bride that you are honored to give a toast at her wedding  (Read:  drop hints to Bride that toasts are off trend and tacky; assure her that no one is doing toasts anymore.)

One Week Before Wedding:

• Watch Michelle Obama’s speech from the recent Democratic National Convention; envision delivering your toast with similar eloquence and grace (Read:  kick yourself for not doing a single push-up all summer; Google emergency triceps exercises and purple-grey nail polish shades)

• Ask your friends for suggestions of what to say in your toast. (Read:  Wonder how you ended up with such uninspired friends;   “just be yourself.” Really people?)

Two Days Before Wedding:

• Research Maid/Matron of Honor Toasts (Read:  obsessively search You Tube and Google for suggestions; glean the following advice):

“Everything is at stake in a wedding toast.  Remember that you are a representative of these two people – if you nail the toast, the couple seems more intelligent, better looking, more popular.”  THNKR-Change Your Mind

“If you f**k it up, the couple will remember this moment for the next 40 years.” A Teachable Mom

• Keep it simple (Read:  consider plagiarizing one of the hundreds of wedding toast videos on You Tube)

• Affirm to yourself that your toast will be wonderful as long as it is heart felt (Read:  kick yourself for not having more time to write an original, American Idol-worthy ballad or rap song to serenade the happy couple.)

One Day Before Wedding

• Seek out a loving family member for help and encouragement (Read:  ask your husband to write your toast while he’s engrossed in his alma mater’s first football game of the season; feel hurt and resentful at his lack of concern for your needs.)

• Write out your toast (Read:  jot down a few ideas, realize doing the dishes is a much more urgent task. Repeat with the laundry you’ve neglected for the past six weeks.)

• Discuss plan for making toasts with the Best Man (Read:  grill him on what he’s planning to say to gauge if your toast will be better; steal his best lines.)

• Be inspired by any toasts made during the rehearsal dinner (Read:  Depending on quality of toasts, begin faking sore throat or stomach flu to justify backing out. )

Day of Wedding

• Rehearse toast in front of loving, supportive family members (Read:  Amid your children’s “I’m bored” refrain, remind yourself the majority of wedding guests will be polite during your toast. At least to your face.)

• Look your best (Read:  Wear never-worn self-adhesive strapless bra to accommodate your strapless bridesmaid dress. Worry that said bra will slide down to knees and on to floor during toast; wonder how many hits a video of this would get on You Tube.)

• Breathe deeply (Read:  remember the words of a wise man who suggested focusing on your love for the bride and the groom;  remind yourself that given how much you pay this man for his therapeutic help, he should have written the damn toast for you.)

• Enjoy & have fun! (Read:  You’re in luck – no videographer!)

Have you ever given a wedding toast? Is the happy couple still speaking to you? Any tips to add?