Image courtesy of Google Images.
Here I am, wringing a second post out of my daughter’s recent bike accident; making it about me and seeing things about myself I’d rather not look at …
Once I knew my daughter wasn’t seriously injured in her bike accident, I found myself feeling embarrassed by her loud and uncontrolled expression of pain and terror.
Ava is a fantastic wailer – she cries and screams with abandon. And with an impressive disregard for what others think of her during her release of emotions.
When do we learn to care too much about other people’s opinion of us? When does that insidiousness begin?
When Ava was an infant, my husband and I decided one of our primary parenting goals was to support her in expressing all of her emotions. Over the years, we’ve focused on encouraging our daughters’ tears, rages, frustrations and fears.
Unfortunately, as much as I want to support my kids, I also tend to feel embarrassed if one of my children commands a lot of attention from others while she’s emoting. So here’s the message: ”Emote away, darling, just don’t embarrass me.” Ugh.
After Ava’s accident, I was screaming and panicking on the inside; Ava was sharing her panic with the world. And I felt ashamed. Ava’s crying wasn’t quiet and demure and attractive. It was robust and loud and boisterous. And exquisite (in hindsight only).
When I’m in pain or shock, I’m typically quiet and stoic. Listening to Ava wail and scream and cry, I felt torn between wanting to shut my daughter up and being impressed by the fearlessness of her expression.
The Arboretum’s security guards who attended to Ava while we waited for an ambulance, while caring and kind, appeared taken aback by Ava’s cries and pulled me aside twice to tell me that until she stopped “being hysterical,” they couldn’t discern the extent of her injuries. Rather than focus on the guards’ compassion, I focused instead on their use of the word, “hysterical.”
While I didn’t actively attempt to shut down my daughter’s crying, I felt shame that I couldn’t control Ava’s “hysteria.” I told myself she was doing something wrong, something unseemly. And I, as her mother, was also.
I realize now I did my daughter a disservice. I comforted and soothed, but I didn’t stand up for her. I didn’t say out loud, “Listen, Mr. Security Guard, I appreciate your help and I support my daughter expressing her pain for as long and as loudly as she needs to. I will not shut up my kid so you or I can be more comfortable. I’m willing to wait until she’s finished. I trust her.”
Instead I felt shame that we were taking up the security guards’ time. Really? Isn’t it equally possible we were providing these guards with an exciting diversion from their usual mundane jobs? How often do they get to witness an adorable 9 yo girl releasing so many beautiful emotions while her equally adorable mom lovingly looks on? That’s the attitude I’d like to have in the future. Until then, I’ll likely be cringing in the corner!
I was taught from a young age to tamper my feelings: don’t be too much, don’t take up too much space, don’t embarrass me.
I don’t want to teach my daughters to be ashamed of who they are or to alter themselves to make me or others more comfortable. (Actually, part of me does. That would be easier for me. And sad.)
My vision is to support my little girls, support all of their big feelings, all their expressions and not try to change them to fit some image or expectation I have at any given time. Easier said than done.
How do you support your children’s feelings? Do you ever feel embarrassed by your kids? How do you handle it?
I’m linking up today with the wonderful people at Shell’s weekly “Pour Your Heart Out” feature on her blog “Things I Can’t Say.”
I think that’s so hard. Most of us would react the way you did. But at least you took it one step further and now question it. I do think it’s different when they are hurt. It’s hard to support unnecessary incessant whining, for example
Yes, whining is a killer! I have little patience for whining, even if it is “expression!”
My children are grown and yes they have embarrassed me NUMEROUS times! When they did I tried to handle it calmly as much as possible, but in a way they knew they had stepped over the line. Once I got them alone I was usually able to talk to them and then if needed discipline ensued.
I think the key word you use here is “calm!” Not my strong suit! Will you teach me how???
Oh, this is so me. sooooo me to a “T.” When MIss F had her terribly rough social situation last year, it was all about “me” since I could not help but wonder what the mom of the other child thought of me or was saying about me. This post is so honest, and I could relate to it so well – as always xo
Thank you for relating – this parenting stuff is HARD (especially when we look at our own patterns). Ugh. I’m so tired of making everything about me! Yet I do it over and over. Here’s to some new brain wiring and some grace! And thank you for all your kind words. They mean a ton to me. xoxo
Wow. This is me pretty much anytime my son starts crying and wailing. There’s no stopping him with, what you said, “an impressive disregard for what others think of her during her release of emotions.” <– Yes. And yes, I do get embarrassed and just want it all to end and for people to stop staring and for us to stop being an inconvenience. But you are so right, I don't want to teach my kids to feel ashamed or badly for their emotions. Thank you for this.
I hope writing about this will help me feel less embarrassed and less eager to shut her up. We’ll see … I’ll keep you posted! Thanks for commenting!
Wow – have I been in this same position! I’m totally stoic, one of my children is not. I’ve never wanted to damper her emoting, but there have been countless times I’ve been so embarassed by it in public – especially when other people are trying to address it and “fix” it whereas I’m just used to letting her ride it out. You know? I think you do.
I get it alright! Here’s to the grace to ride out those pesky emotions!
Yep. I’ve felt this way, too. Willing to support my Cherubs’ self-expression as long as it doesn’t cramp my own style or infringe upon others. Which I’m not so sure is a completely wrong way to be…to see ourselves as part of a larger world into which we need to assimilate as much as we need to be heard.
I agree and love the way you articulated this idea. I imagine, just as in many things, balance is the ideal. Thanks for commenting!
oh my, i would love to have something wise to contribute but i would have done exactly the same. i’m also quiet and stoic in my suffering and i’m actually impressed and then annoyed when my kids are let’s say… ‘over expressive?’
i don’t know, i wouldn’t beat yourself up about it. i generally just let them go thru it, even if i’m secretly rolling my eyes, and then i cuddle em up and we all eat ice cream. the end.
I think we have to let our kids let it out… but there has to be a limit as well. It’s hard to find a balance!
oh boy, I get this! I was also taught to hold in my feelings and vowed to not do that to my children, but I can tell this is going to be a challenge with my first. I don’t know how to support his free expression of feelings without letting it be ok to go off the deep end every time something minor happens. When you figure it out, can you let me know? Thanks
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I agree it is good to teach children to recognize their feelings and address them in a healthy manner. If we are hurt, we should not try to suck it up. We should cry. But, we also do not want to be self-involved drama queens (or kings). There has to be a way to teach children to recognize their feelings and use words (and tears and smiles and frowns…) to express those emotions along with being aware of how their actions affect the feelings of others. Balance is key.
I’m all for balance and hope this is an area our family can find some! Thanks for visiting!
Okay… don’t anyone hunt me down and toilet-paper my house, but… I have a different take on this. My mom always let me ‘emote freely’ and I was NEVER embarrassed to just LET IT ALL OUT no matter what the situation or where I was or who was listening. I’ve cried FOR DAYS at school DURING class over a break-up with some stupid boy. I’ve cried AT WORK. IN FRONT OF PEOPLE. I have VERY clear memories of wailing endlessly, not because I was hurt to such an extent, but because I enjoyed peoples’ pity and commiseration.
Honestly, I wish I had learned some restraint. I wish someone had told me that I was going a little overboard and lookin’ just a weensy bit foolish. Although I agree that we should teach our kids to respect and listen to their feelings and emotions, I think we also need to let them know how they may be perceived in cases of such unrestrained abandon… and at least let them decide if they’re okay with it?
This is a really good topic. I might have to write a Devil’s Advocate post on it, and linky-do you.
PS – I’m nominating you for a blogger award, one of those annoying chain thingies. I just can’t say no. You’d better not, either! I only nominate those whom I feel are worthy!
xoxo
I love hearing a different take on this topic – specifically, yours!! I’ve never met anyone who was supported in expressing herself the way you describe so it’s fascinating to know there may be a downside!! I’d love to read your linky-do-ed post taking the other side! And thank you for the chain mail blogger award nomination – I’ll take it! With pride and a big smile!
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