Image courtesy of Google Images
Looking around at the other young women waiting for their auditions, I did the two things I do best: compare and pick.
“Why isn’t anyone else sweating? I marveled, discreetly checking under my arms for wet spots. “And why are they all so fucking skinny?”
“Breathe, Mary,” I whispered. “Just another audition.”
Except this could be my last. One week remained in a six-month, self-imposed deadline for finding an acting job. This audition felt urgent.
“How do all these women look fresh and calm?” I wondered, checking my teeth and lipstick in a compact mirror. I had spent the morning writing news releases for the hotel company that employed me. While I enjoyed my job, acting had been my dream since childhood.
My fingernail scratched the cuticle around my thumb, the lightest touch. Relief. Like methadone to a heroin addict, my old habit of picking my cuticle brought me a temporary release from the anxiety of the moment.
“Stop picking,” I told myself. Except for my torn cuticles, I looked the part of a young mom, exactly what the audition advertisement called for: national mattress retailer seeking perky, affable new mom type for television spot.
Almost time.
The audition room door opened and a pony-tailed young woman approached me, heels clacking on the tile floor.
“You’re up,” she reported, eyes never leaving her clipboard.
My lips stuck to my teeth as I forced a smile and walked in to the audition room, fingernail frantically picking at my thumb’s cuticle.
Ouch, too far. A pinpoint of blood leaked through my skin and filled my field of vision. Embarrassed, I frantically searched my purse for a tissue and apologized to the casting director.
He handed me a two-sentence script and suggested I take a moment to prepare.
“I can do this,” I promised myself. “Breathe.”
As the camera rolled, I recited the lines and beamed as the director requested we do a few more takes.
I tried out a friendly mom persona and found a groove; relishing the director’s approval and the apparent interest etched on his face.
As I left the audition, hopeful and lighthearted, I felt proud of myself for pursuing my dream. I decided that as long as I was having fun and my cuticles could take it, I would keep acting for at least another month. Or maybe two.
I’m linking up with the wonderful writers at Yeah Write where, fortunately for me, you don’t need nice cuticles or a mattress commercial on your resume to join. Check it out!
So, did you get it???!! I always get my nails done now. Otherwise, they are so fragile and then I pick. When I have a manicure, I don’t do that
. I hate being nervous like that. I was right there with you.
I didn’t even get a coupon! But I did end up having more fun in my acting classes and auditions! My acting days were many, many years ago, but it’s been fun reliving them through Yeah Write! Same with me and manicures – I need one pronto!
That was my question too
You have *way* more courage than I going out to auditions…I wouldn’t have any nails left at all! Great narrative style too, you really pulled me in and it flows easily and well. Congrats on YeahWrite 78! 
Awww. I love you. You made my day. Will you send me comments every week?
Yes. Now, I’m dying to know if you got it. Confidence is half the battle right? And it sounds like you got a boost of it at the end. I really enjoyed this. Especially “Like methadone to a heroin addict, picking my cuticle brought me a temporary release from the anxiety of the moment.” I love that habit as a devise to carry so many of your emotions. Great post!
Thank you! I did not get the commercial. I did realize that having fun with these auditions and laughing at myself was priceless (though not inexpensive
)! I also had fun reliving this moment while writing about it. All good!
I so wanted you to get it, but also, maybe that would have led to bigger projects and you would have moved away and I would miss you because LA is so far away. Great piece. Love the details. Makes me want a manicure.
Thank you for missing me if my past had turned out differently! I’d miss you too. I see manicures in our future!
i was very into reading this – finding out if you got it and wondering if you would scratch a skinny girl with your ragged nail on the way out. i think it’s so interesting finding out who people were before they were the people you know them as – or sort of know them as.
Even people who know me in life life are surprised at this part of my past. And yes, I wish I had thought to stab the skinny chick with my ragged nail! Talk about a fun detail …
Good details and effective use of figurative language. I like that heroine addict simile. I get the playing with cuticles too. I also think your voice emerges a lot more strongly here than in the previous post I read about the beer commercial. Good work! Did you get the gig?? We want to know!!
Thanks! I did not get the commercial. I did get a boost of confidence and a spring in my step – good stuff!
I so wish you would have gotten this! But then again, if you began acting, would have you ever gotten around to blogging? And if you didn’t blog, would we ever have met? Sorry – I am being totally selfish!
I love you being selfish! I can’t imagine what my life would be like had the acting thing worked out in any way. As it is, it’s fun to think of myself as someone who took risks and showed up … and who still does (albeit in a bit less dramatic way). xoxo
Love the comparison to others and detail around the chewy cuticle.
Becca
Thanks, Becca. The detail was easy as my nails are freshly picked!
I’m right there with you, girl. I bite the living crap out of my cuticles. Bloody fingertips are my trademark and have been since I was a teen. It’s a painful habit.
Awesome!
Ah, so what, you didn’t get it? You’re young, you’re funny, I’m sure you’re super talented, and you’ve got nine cuticles left!
Great post, my friend!
Hah! Make that eight left! My index finger cuticle took the brunt of my 30s!
Love this. I know the feeling of sitting and waiting at an audition. GIVES ME THE HEEBIE-JEEBIES JUST THINKIN ABOUT IT! =/
Tell me more! Are you/were you an actor?
From one cuticle picker to another, I love your writing. It’s effortless and engaging. I always want to know the rest of the story. Well done again, mama. Well done.
Thank you for the kind words. They mean a lot coming from you!
Did you ultimately have to decide between acting and your nails?
Hah! Unfortunately stopping acting didn’t end my cuticle obsession!
Great post! And this is a perfect example of why I had no desire to become an actress. Of course, I didn’t figure that out until after I got the theatre degree…
I hear you! I think I loved taking acting classes (and still do love the few I’ve taken since) more than any other part of the acting process!
Yikes! I’d be so nervous. I love manicures but I peel them off…out of nerves or whatnot…after a few days! I wish you would have gotten the part. More auditions in your future? Remember, you have more fingers and cuticle left. And you are brave to put yourself out there!
My audition days are over for now (who knows?!) – writing this blog is my expression of courage right now! Do you feel same?
I liked the tension with your cuticles. It was like my thumbs were speaking through your voice. Um. Or something.
Give your thumbs a hug from me!
My question is when did your audition confidence carry over to your writing? Were you always a writer? Your memory is well-told! I felt the anxiety and the relief of settling into the audition.
Thank you! I’ve loved to write since I was a little girl and have wanted to write for years. Acting was my childhood dream; writing is more of my quasi grown up one! Combine the two and who knows?
I loved this. I hope you got the part! I was right there with you, with your bloody cuticles and all. Excellent details.
Thank you! Funny thing is since I’ve been writing about my cuticles this week (I have another post today or tomorrow), I’ve been picking like crazy after a long time “off.” Perhaps it’s time to retire my fingernails!
Ugh, I can totally relate to the insecurity. You related it well! I was so hoping you would get the part, though. But, I guess, like you said, the important part was being able to find joy in just the audition.
The joy was important, but hell, I would have taken the part! And still would if Mattress World or whatever it was is still looking …
WOW I have so much admiration for the courage it must take to do auditions like this. I have such a fear of public speaking. Very impressive! And as always, great writing.
Trust me, if you find a bad habit like cuticle picking to ease any/all anxiety, you can do anything!
I could feel the tension here! I always loved the idea of acting, but I’m terrible at it and get so embarrassed. I wish I could have half the courage you must!
I’ll take half the courage I had back then too!