Whenever I get a gift, especially one I’ve wanted and will treasure, the critical voices in my head work overtime to ensure I don’t overdose on joy. While some people flaunt their gifts or humbly receive them, my first reaction is to hide. And withhold.
I recently received two gifts (actually three, but I’m withholding information on one) and learned first-hand the corrosive nature of hiding and withholding on my relationships, especially the one I have with myself.
Last week, my husband surprised me with a gorgeous sapphire and diamond anniversary band to celebrate our 10th anniversary. Our anniversary was in June, so I was especially surprised when he got down on one knee and asked me to spend exactly ten more years with him. He’s romantic that way.
I love the ring; wanted it for months, but was reluctant to spend the money on such a luxury. Or so I told myself. Apparently, I also did not want to feel the uncomfortable feelings nestling alongside the bling in the small blue box.
For several days last week, I didn’t tell anyone about this gift. Not my friends. Not my family members. I wore the ring, sure. I’m not a masochist. But inside I hid. The message screaming in my head was “With all the people struggling in the world, who am I to get a new ring? I don’t deserve it.” (I’m sparing you the nasty name calling involved in the actual message. You can thank me later.)
The second gift of the week nearly did me in. On Saturday, my husband took our daughters to Michigan for an overnight visit with his family. I had a solid, blissful 24 hours to do whatever I wanted. Or I would have, had I not chosen to dabble in mishegosh.
I wanted to fill my free day with “me” time: writing, exercising, pampering, napping, reading and de-cluttering. Again, instead of sharing the good news with my friends, I withheld. Afraid my friends would feel jealous of my time off or hurt that I didn’t make plans with them, I hid out in secret. And felt shame as the mean voices in my head let loose: “You don’t deserve this time to yourself. You have it too easy. A good mother would want to spend the day with her kids. Who do you think you are?”
Later in the day, I took myself to get a manicure to go with my new ring, the one I wasn’t going to tell anybody about. At the salon, I ran into one of my best friends; someone I ostensibly share everything with. My excitement at our chance meeting was dimmed by the fear and shame I felt keeping these secrets from her.
I considered jamming my freshly-polished fingers under the manicure table, but I wasn’t willing to smudge the wet gloss. My friend immediately spotted the sparkly band on my finger and gushed at my good fortune. I squirmed. When she asked what my family was doing that evening, I lied, “Nothing much. Family movie night.” I stewed, shame covering me like a sticky, old blanket.
A few moments later I turned to her and apologized. “I don’t know why I’m so uncomfortable, but I lied to you. I’m sorry.” As I explained the story and expressed my discomfort, slowly the shame started to lift. By the time I left, I felt connected and grateful for my gifts and our friendship.
While I don’t always realize in the moment that I’m hiding or withholding, I’m clear today that I’m the one hurt when I deny myself the chance to share my gifts. Withholding good news or bad stunts my ability to connect and feel intimate with another human being. My friend had her own feelings about the distance I created in our relationship. She related to my discomfort and celebrated with me. I feel closer to her and feel a willingness to share more of my gifts with the world.
I told this story to a group of friends yesterday at breakfast. I showed them the ring and regaled them with the tale of my nail salon antics. While I was talking, several of my friends were nodding their heads. After I finished, three friends said they also had been withholding. They went on to share their news, some happy, some difficult. I’d like to think we will all be a little closer because of it. At least I know I’m not alone.
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It’s so true how we women feel shame in our joy. God forbid we have it easy for one minute or get a beautiful gift we love. We expect the world to frown on us because we have such a great life. We don’t want to boast about our happiness and good fortune because there are people suffering everywhere! I am so glad you finally shared your gift and felt good about this lovely moment for you! We need to embrace our blessings, and do it without shame.
Thank you for “getting” this story and me! You articulated my feelings beautifully! I can feel your love and encouragement and appreciate both. Hugs to you!
Women are so confusing!!! Just thank your husband, and enjoy the darn ring!
But that would be much too simple and healthy!
This is so timely for me! I have been sitting on some good news, but I feel guilty about it because I know that some pople have less. I want to share, but I don’t want to sound braggy. I’m thrilled for you and your ability to connect with your friends in such a positive way, equally thrilled that they were receptive. I’m not sure that everyone in my life would respond some favorably. Or maybe they would have to my face.
But later. Later.
I have to learn to stop caring what everyone thinks and be grateful for the gifts that I have been given. You rock.
Spill, spill, spill! I’d love to hear your good news and I promise to be envious to your face!
This is my mantra: “I have to learn to stop caring what everyone thinks and be grateful for the gifts that I have been given.” I’m having it tattooed on my eyelids. And my ass!
I love your eyelids and ass. They look fabulous!
What ring?????? Oh I can’t wait to see it. I relate to this story….wish I could relate even more because I got a shiny new ring. I hope you’re loving it.
Exactly! I am loving it now that I’ve told on myself!
How sweet your husband is Mary! I am glad you were finally able to share your gifts. You DO deserve everything you get! Great post – And, I hope the manicure is keeping your nails nice
I haven’t picked my cuticles since Saturday! It’s a miracle! Thanks for the love!
First of all, I am so happy for you – a new ring, a fresh manicure and a night to yourself? OK – and a wee bit envious – but I had a night to myself too last weekend thanks to a friend who took my kids and I felt so UNWORTHY of it – so clearly, I am NOT one to say – “revel in the joy, Mary” because that would make me a hypocrite!
I love how transparent you are about the things that you have come to know about yourself. It makes you honest and real and easy to connect with. xo
Unworthy. Exactly. Ugh. Let’s learn to revel in the joy together, okay? We have a lot of good things coming soon – your belly told me so! xo
I hate getting gifts, and I think you’ve helped me start to realize why. That and the decluttering issue – give me consumables!
Loved hearing your thought process here…and of course I have to know…what was the third gift??
Amen to consumables! Ahh, the third gift … I’ll be withholding that one a little longer!
I think that its commendable that you don’t want to flaunt things, but you should welcome the joy that your husband wants to impart with the gift. You deserve it! As for alone time, every one of your friends would understand needing some “me” time – absolutely nothing to feel shame about – we don’t give it to ourselves enough and when we do its mired in guilt.
It’s a lesson we all need to learn, I think.
I agree – I’m tired of being ‘mired in guilt’ whenever I get some free time or some other blessing. Thanks for “getting” this topic!
I do this too. Usually without thinking about it. I withhold good things (that my friends, like yours, would probably love to celebrate with me) and bad things (that my friends would probably love to support and love me through). It is great that you caught yourself and had that conversation at the salon.
As awful as it was to admit to my friend that I lied to her, I really did feel closer to her after letting her in. Here’s to not hiding for both of us!
Congrats! I certainly haven’t been shy about my new iphone. HEY EVERYONE, BOYFRIEND GOT ME AN IPHONE FOR MY BDAY!!!
Okay, done now.
Congrats back at ya! I might trade my left foot for the new iPhone. Fun! And happy birthday!
I relate to this – especially the part about the time to myself. I feel guilty for wanting everyone (and I mean everyone) gone for a little while. I often don’t tell friends when my husband or son will be away so I can be alone. But I think it would be so much better if we could be honest that we need alone time or to keep something to ourselves. Very thoughtful post.
That alone time is pure heaven for me, too. Why is this honesty thing so damn hard?
I totally relate! I am such a “withholder” and i don’t know why either. i’ve always liked to keep things close, my own private secrets… i’ve gotten a little better sharing now… in fact, just to show you – i am sitting here in gym clothes, with bed head hair and my 4 yearold playing ipad in the other room, while we wait for his 930am dr. appointment because he woke up with pink eye, which i’m annoyed about since i now miss my gym class. whew!! how’s that for a share!
I feel so much closer to you!!
A photo of you with bed head would be even more special!
ha! i would if i knew how.
24 hours alone. By yourself? To do whatever you want? OMG – bliss. But yep, I’d probably feel the same way as you! Why do we do that!?
“Why” is the $24 million question! I’m thinking a federally-funded research study is in order!
Every year when I was a kid I’d get a shitload of presents from my parents, but I would only tell my friends that I got two things. I felt so much shame about the fact that my parents had money and I had a lot of good stuff. Today, I would like to believe I am worthy of good stuff, and my friends are too! Great post.
Thanks, love. I can see it for you so clearly – there’s not a doubt in my mind that you deserve and are worthy of wonderful things!
I can really relate to your story here. I’ve often withheld my enjoyment and pleasure in various situations, worried that people would think I was gloating.
I’m just like you, like this. I feel like I’m bragging when I share good stuff. My friend’s bust me all the time with a smile knowing it’s kinda my nature to withhold. I really don’t mean to. It just happens!
It’s so hard to let yourself have something of your OWN, isn’t it?
I like an essay that can pinpoint a feeling that we’ve all had but can’t describe. Hiding good fortune, luck, riches – it’s such an odd thing but I know what you mean. Liked this piece, a lot.
Thanks for this post. You helped me make a decision on my birthday present, which I was wavering on because I felt guilty. I’m going to do it!
Such a happy comment! Yay, you! And Happy birthday!
Mary, I grew up as a Catholic in the south and if those two things don’t make you ultra sensitive about seeming prideful, I don’t know what will. I completely relate to your story. When good things happen to me, I don’t want to seem boastful or prideful. But you have discovered that is not what it is! It is exactly as you put it, you are sharing your good fortune. So keep on sharing and writing!
your honesty is incredible. sure not always in the moment, but you seem to come around to it soon enough. cleaning up the mess makes you even more authentic and awesome to be with.
I am pretty awesome to be with. You’re a lucky man!
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