Photo By: Simply {Kierste} & {Brown Paper Packages}
I want to entertain others in our home easily and effortlessly. While my hostess skills are light years ahead of where they used to be, I still get anxious when friends come over to share a meal. While I’m usually eager to invite, as the day draws closer, I begin to panic about having the time and energy to cook, clean, shop and prepare a picture-perfect meal (emphasis on “picture perfect”).
I love the idea of entertaining. I enjoy pouring over cookbooks and online cooking sites searching for delicious-looking recipes. Unfortunately, I like the idea of cooking a beautiful meal more than the actual act. While I love food, I don’t like to work so hard for my supper.
Entertaining often brings out my worst qualities. I’m learning to let go and enjoy a messier house with our family, but once we’ve invited guests over, no matter how good of friends, my need for order and control trumps all. And the big question becomes, how angry will Mike (my husband) and I get with each other this time? Typically, by the time our guests arrive, I’m thinking: ”If I’m going to let all of these other people into our home, I need to make room. Mike, you’re out.”
For years, Mike and I have argued whenever we entertain, usually the day of. While I typically really enjoy myself once our guests arrive, our my pre-party tension can rob all the enthusiasm from the day.
Last weekend we invited another family over for dinner. I obsessed about the menu for days, collecting recipes from magazines and on the internet. I found upwards of ten recipes I was excited to prepare clip (and add to my bulging recipe file). I wisely reminded myself that I wouldn’t enjoy making ten recipes; one or two is my sweet spot. I then ignored my own wisdom and shopped at four stores to ensure we had ingredients for a fusion feast to feed 37 people. And most of their ancestors twice removed.
The morning of the party, my husband I started our usual argument:
Me: Mike, I’m feeling anxious about our dinner party tonight. Can you help me?
Mike: Sure, honey. How can I help?
Me: How about if you’re in charge of the kids today plus straightening up the house and sweeping the floor, and I’ll cook, set the table and clean the bathrooms?
Mike: Sounds good. Are you going to enjoy this or just survive your way through it?
Me: I want to enjoy it. Not sure I can.
Mike: The entire point of having these parties is to enjoy ourselves. How can you build fun into your day so you’re ready to enjoy yourself tonight?
Me: (Snippy Tone Alert) What would be really fun for me is for you do your part quickly, without me having to remind you and without waiting until the last minute. (Danger. Danger. When my enjoyment depends on his actions, even I know that’s a “recipe for trouble.” Yep, bad pun intended.)
Mike: That’s a good strategy. Pay attention to what I’m doing all day. Make sure you let me know if you think I’m sitting on the couch too long or not doing my share quickly enough. That should ensure you have a great day. (His eye rolls are a-l-m-o-s-t as professional as mine.)
Me: Good. That’s settled. Thank you. Can you start now?
About to enjoy some self-righteous anger (my favorite kind!) and a cry disguised as onion-chopping tears, instead I had a moment of grace. I realized our entertaining strategies don’t work any better after ten years of marriage than they did when we threw our first dinner party.
I was ready for a change. And ready to enjoy my day. And my husband.
Mike and I regrouped and decided he would be in charge of the food. Carry out is his specialty. I did only the things I enjoy doing: arranging the food on attractive platters, slicing lemons for the water pitcher, manipulating vegetables into this gorgeous centerpiece:
Yeah, right.
Photo Courtesy of HeatherDreams on Pinterest
Just kidding about the centerpiece. I’m not that handy with glue guns or asparagus. With the time I saved not making an imaginative table arrangement, I cleaned the dried toothpaste spit out of the sink and shoved the girls toys into closets. Time well spent.
With an hour before our guests arrived, Mike decided to replace the lock on our front door, electric drill and all. And I practiced letting go, biting my tongue and refolding the towels in the guest bathroom (while making phone calls to friends for hyperventilation relief).
Wanna know how it went? Smashingly well, thank you. I’ve rarely been more charming or relaxed. And Mike was a consummate host (despite the drill shavings on his jeans).
Now that Mike and I have a foolproof system in place for dinner parties, perhaps you’ll see an invite from us soon! I’ll start working on the centerpiece …
Great job. I would have flipped on that lock thing. I’m calling next time I have a dinner party!
Great – I’m working on a hotline. In the meantime I’ll send over my newly-laminated “dos & donts” checklist!
Mary! We are totally evil twins. I get very stressed before dinner parties. But I have learned what takes the edge off is if I ask a friend to come over a little early to help hang out with me.
And, like your hubby, mine always starts some last minute project right before everyone shows up.
Either that or he is in the shower when everyone gets there.
I’m working on being less than perfect, too. The best parties I have been to are the ones where the host isn’t worried about crumbs on the floor. You know?
I love being “evil twins” with you! Crumbs = ease and fun and lightness. I’ll take more crumbs! And your idea of asking a friend to come over is perfectly brilliant. That would make ALL the difference and add to my enjoyment too. Thank you!
I always imagined I would host tons of dinner parties as an “adult” though so far I have zero under my belt. I can imagine feeling a lot like you describe if we were going to have one. Especially since I love that centerpiece and couldn’t make that happen in my wildest dreams. Glad you’ve gotten a system down!
I may try making that centerpiece and post the crooked results – I have no skills in that area whatsoever! Our system should be foolproof as long as I stay out of the kitchen. I’m a whiz at towel folding!
Awesome!! Love that you switched roles.
You and Jimmy will be our next guinea pigs!!
Love this. I am actually having a bunch of people over for dinner tonight, but since yesterday was my birthday and I was feeling lazy and indulgent I didn’t do a single thing. So, for the first time in the nearly six years that we have known each other, my husband is taking care of all of the food, and I’m doing nothing but setting the table.
Brilliant! It only took you six years? It took me ten! I think we’re on to something! Happy, happy birthday! Enjoy!
I’m always threatening to have a dinner party and so far it hasn’t happened in a really long time. Maybe it’s because I don’t own a glue gun and even if I did, I’d be dipping the asparagus in ranch dressing and eating it. sigh…
I’m not a big fan of decorating with my food either! Anything dipped in ranch is ok by me!
i say, next time, order in. put it on your pretty platters and relax. although, you might miss out on the self-righteous anger and really i do love me some of that.
Self-righteous anger is in, baby! We’ll make it trendy!
My wife gets hyped like that to before guests come. Someone mentioned this to me, and I think he is right. Women take a type of pride in their home and feel judged about it by the guests, so they feel that everything must be perfect. Men are more able to let these things go. I personally enjoy the food (my wife is a good cook – of course, some meals/dishes are better than others), but I feel that people are coming to share our company.
So, shall I tell you what food I want served when my family will be inited? I do look forward to the invitation.
You’re in! An open invitation next time you’re in Chicago. And do let me know your food preferences – it will make finding the perfect carryout menu much easier! Here’s to remembering it’s more about the people and the connections rather than the food!
Sounds good.
You know what Kim and I learned years ago? It is what it is… we’re not neat people, we clean up when guests come over but it’s never perfect, there will always be piles of stuff laying around. We’re a family and we have kids and we actually live in the house and we are here a lot and it gets messy. Seriously, if our friends are a little wigged out because our house is messy, (which they probably aren’t) then maybe we need different friends. You should think that way too. What I hate… going to someone’s house that looks like a museum, not a magazine or a dirty sock or anything laying around. You want to say, “WTF, do you people live here or is this just like a banquet hall that you hire out when you want to hang out with friends!”
Ha! Love the banquet hall idea! You and Kim sound like the perfect hosts. I bet people have a great time at your dinner parties cause you’re so relaxed and at ease. I know I’m more relaxed and at ease when the hosts are having fun. And yes, I hate going to other people’s “museums!” Thankfully, our home will never be mistaken for one!
{Kathy} When I finally realized that the only two rooms that really needed any attention where the kitchen and guest bathroom…..it saved my sanity. All of the other places don’t really matter to guests. They are there to talk and eat with you, not run their fingers over the baseboards to check if they are dusted. I know how I feel when someone invites me over–I’m just darn happy to be there!
Thank you for visiting! I agree – I’m only too happy to be invited to hang out with friends and enjoy someone else’s cooking. I’m aware that I use cleaning/perfectionism to keep my anxiety of having other people in my home (read – my life) at bay. Unfortunately, that same control keeps other people at a distance. Thankfully, Imma learning! Work in progress …
I would LOVE to come to dinner! And I won’t say a word if your hubs has wood shavings on his jeans!
You’re an angel that way! You don’t have to ask me twice, get your cute behind over here right away!!
We always have toothpaste to clean in our sinks before guests come over.
ha. Congratulations on not holding your tongue when your Hubbie decided to do home improvement! Sometimes i dont hold my tongue and it gets me in Trouble. I repeat ro myself “hold your tongue, hold your tongue.” That’s a hard thing for we wives to do!! Love your humor and glad you had a great dinner party!
Oops. Congrats On HOLDING your tonge. Sorry.
Hi! Thanks for visiting and for your kind words! Holding my tongue is not my strong suit, especially with my husband! And once he starts those home improvement projects, forget about it!
Oh this is all too true and funny to boot!!! I always stress about hosting but I have learned to chill a lot more as each “hosting experience” comes and goes… I’ve given up the perfect and totally let go of the clean clean (meaning- I need it clean but NOT clean CLEAN, ya know?) and I have often times ‘given’ the food prep over to my hubby. I actually hate to cook- so that makes hosting especially grueling at times. LOVE the people-hate dealing with making the food. Often, my food is not the best for sure, so I know they don’t come for the food!!! I only invite good friends that bring grace on in with them when they come! (AND the food!! lol )
I have awesome friends also, but could I borrow some of yours? The ones who bring the food? I’ll give them back, I promise!
And yep, clean clean isn’t happening in our house any time soon!
I actually feel uncomfortable if I go to someone’s house and it looks too perfect (especially stuff like that centrepiece). I just don’t feel like I have anything in common with someone like that and I feel like they would be judging me because I didn’t get the XX domestic gene. Good conversation and laughter are all I really need!
You’d be plenty comfy at our house – no domestic XX genes in sight! Happy New Year!
Take out sounds like the way to go!
Take out it is! And my hubby is in charge from now on!
{Melinda} Oh boy, can I relate to this. Every word. Every.single.word. Love the idea of carryout. And just letting go. It is so hard to let go of our “ideal picture.” We just have to do it. It’s a choice. Because our control freak tendencies aren’t going to go away magically. Whenever I let go, I’m so glad I did. Just have to make it a habit.
You said it – “whenever I let go, I’m so glad I did.” That has been my experience also. Here’s to making letting go a habit in 2013!
Cracking up! The “take on huge project with T minus 59 minutes until party start” is SO something my husband would do!
Even our husbands were separated at birth!
Paul is the planner in our family, I just show up. Actually, that’s not true, he tells me what to do and I do it. In the end, we have a wonderful time! Actually, I think we both have a wonderful time. I should probably ask him if he does.
I like your system best! If Mike did what I told him to do … I wouldn’t have half the things to write about that I do!