One minute they’re debating whose Barbie sleeps in the Diamond Castle, the next they’re giggling over the cute members of the band One Direction and planning sleepovers. Such is the life of our tween, Ava, and her friends. Gone are the days when the toughest limits I set were how many gummy worms or Disney Junior episodes she ingested before dinner. Now we negotiate limits on appropriate app and music downloads and how much I’ll spend on a pair of jeggings. Before we graduate to the big issues of dating and driving, I need a remedial class in limit setting. Or maybe a private tutor.
On the afternoon of New Year’s Eve, Ava had an unexpected play date at a new friend’s home, whose parents my husband and I had only briefly met. The girls go to the same school and play basketball together, but until recently had never hung out. An hour before pick-up, Ava called to ask if she could sleep over at her friend’s house.
The easy answer was “yes,” and my brain quickly reviewed the perks of choosing easy. Not only would a “yes” thrill Ava, it would mean I could avoid a long car ride in traffic to pick her up. I also salivated at the idea of an unanticipated evening alone with my husband once our four year old fell asleep. “Hell, I’ll put her to bed right now,” I thought, imagining the romantic time we would enjoy.
“I’ll call you right back, honey,” I told Ava. “Let me talk with your Dad, and we’ll make a decision together.”
I took the issue to my husband, he of sane thinking and generous sensibility. Mike is the “yes” man; usually I hold the overprotective parent mantle for both of us.
I knew in my gut that I wouldn’t relax for the rest of night if we said yes to a sleepover, but I secretly hoped Mike would tell me I was being overprotective and let me off the hook.
“Tempting, isn’t it?” he said when we discussed the option.
“Tempting, but troubling,” I replied. “I don’t feel comfortable with a sleepover on New Year’s Eve, especially with people we don’t know.”
“I agree,” Mike said.
Surprised and relieved by his response, I knew instinctively this decision was right for our family. And I immediately feared telling Ava.
“I’m not telling her. You tell her,” we joked, the truth of our discomfort apparent to us both.
We decided we would offer Ava and her friend options: her friend could spend the night at our house or if her parents agreed, they instead could have a “sleep under,” which includes the movies, junk food and staying up late of a typical sleepover, but usually ends by 9 or 10 pm.
Loathe to disappoint our daughter, but eager to appear a strong, decisive parent, I chose to call Ava back with our decision.
From the moment I heard the expectant optimism in her voice, I knew I wasn’t up to this task. Rather than say “no,” and offer our options, I started explaining. And then explained some more. While I believe Ava deserved a short explanation (e.g. “We don’t know your friend’s parents so a sleepover won’t work tonight”), by trying to make her understand and agree with our decision, I unwittingly put the burden of setting the boundary on her rather than shouldering the discomfort myself.
As my lips parted to promise a rescheduled sleepover the next night, I shut up, put the phone on mute and called Mike over.
“I am fucking this up. Please handle,” I said.
Mike calmly and confidently restated our decision and relayed the options to both Ava and her friend’s parents. They agreed he would pick up Ava at 10 pm so the girls could have the giggling, movie watching and staying-up-late experience without the full monty.
I was in awe of my husband, always a heady feeling, and proud of myself for turning the conversation over to him. And the evening worked out in my favor. After cuddling and watching a movie, Mike left our cozy couch and drove across town to pick up our daughter while I chatted for an hour on Twitter and Facebook. Thrilled with her New Year’s Eve experience, Ava got enough sleep to avert a crankiness crisis in the morning.
Although I recognize that setting and keeping firm limits is a skill I need to improve, I think I’ll put off that particular resolution for another year. Or two. Mike is in charge.
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Oh limit setting. My specialty. And by specialty, I mean that thing I hate to do. This was a great outcome. I am scared of those requests which are no doubt coming. Great job.
Thanks! I’m in good shape – Mike has taken over limit setting and dinner parties. What else is there?
Oh, gosh, just reading this gave me heart palpitations. I am so dreading the tween and teenage years. My husband is much better at this stuff too. I tend to get frustrated and then start yelling. Or the kids sense that I’m wavering and try to wear me down with crying, loopholes or begging.
I hear you! I get frustrated and yell too. And I’m usually the “no” parent, but I hate to disappoint them on anything that has to do with friends. I’m thinking I’ll just keep my kids at this age until I can learn how to set better boundaries. Good idea?
So nice that you and your husband can share parenting like this so well. I hope that, when it’s our turn, my husband and I can do the same.
Thank you! Sometimes I forget to be grateful for the partnering we do. I’m betting you will be a natural!
It’s cool that you two can work well together. I dont blame you for being catious. Im glad it worked out in the end.
Me, too. Mike is racking up the responsibilities! Yay, me!
Go Dads!
My hubby does a better job when disappointing our kids than I do. They accept it from him, but lose it if I tell them “no.” I have no idea why…
There appears to be an epidemic of this!
Good thing your hubby is good at that, then!
Good thing indeed!
you guys are a great team!! it’s okay to defer some tasks to the more capable spouse. we all have our strengths, right?! sounds like ava had a great evening, as an aside, i’ll say, that coming from divorce, i’ll say that sometimes kids really want those restrictions even if they won’t admit it.
I like that answer!
Ava handled it all really well and was perfectly happy with the sleep under option. She told me the next day she was happy she got to sleep at home. Right again, Ice Scream Mama!
Kudos for recognizing when you had put the burden of the limit on your daughter and for knowing that you had to stop. When you have a limit, you don’t have to make your teen like or agree with it. My teens’ curfew varies by what time I need to get up the next day. The curfew is not for their own good or because their friends have one; it is for ME. I don’t sleep well until they are in. When I own a limit, they totally get it and I don’t get much push back. When I don’t own it, then we have a tussle.
Brilliant. You are simply brilliant. Will you be my limit-setting mentor?
My pleasure. You might want to check out slowparentingteens.com — my friend and I put it together. We blog there, too. But we are also trying to sell our book, so it is not quite right for yeah right.
I will check you out! Thank you!
It sounds like you and your husband have a perfect partnership. One where you each balance out and support the other.
At times your statement is a completely true description of our partnership. Other times, meh!
Your husband rocks! I love diverting the tough decisions to my kids’ father. I need to do that more often! Seriously, goo choices, mama – and the good ones are never the easy ones.
Mike’s screwed at this point – he’s getting all the tough ones from now on!
At last! A place where our paths diverge. I’m chief bitch in the family: setter of all limits. If I didn’t, Tech would have no teeth in his head and he would be one cranky-ass little shit. My husband would NEVER.put him to bed when he was little. And he would never drive across town after a late-night. Those are my jobs. Apparently.
Still, we would have arrived at the same conclusion you and your husband did. Probably with a little more arguing about who was going to be the bad-guy. But, yeah, it’s always me.
Not so fast, evil twin!
I’m usually the chief bitch in our family on all the day-to-day stuff. So we twin well there. But I’m not good with the big-picture stuff, especially around Ava’s friendships – ugh! Teach me!!
Nice team work! It’s so easy to think you know what the limits are, but to be emotionally invested is something else entirely.
Yes! The emotional component, especially around my daughters’ friendships, makes me squirmy. I’m sure I’ll get plenty of opportunities to learn!
Isn’t it great to have an awesome husband? Happy New Year to y’all, and thanks for teaching me the term “sleep-under”!
Sleep unders are genius! Happy New Year to you, too!
HATE the sleepovers anyhow! All they do is spawn the 2-day hangover. You know the one, the next day they’re tired, but the 2nd day they are horrible and you can’t figure out why until you remember….Oh yea, the sleepover. I’m with your friend who says limits/curfews etc are for her convenience. It’s so true.
I agree with you on sleepovers – Ava has only had three so far and each has resulted in the hangover you mentioned. I’m loving the idea of limits/curfews being for me! Hope all is well – happy new year!
Sounds like a win-win! It’s so hard to say no but in the end you have to be comfortable. Glad Mike could help you out
Mike is proving to be quite helpful
! Hope you are well!
Oh I just love this post Mary!!! I love how you write from your heart and with such clarity and genuine truth as a mom. I totally GET you!! I am in that same phase of mothering my daughter…and much like you, I find myself weakening within my limit setting conversations. You are so lucky to have the balance with your hubby. I need to use mine more in these situations if he’s around. Men are good concrete players in this game, where we have all that “grey area” emotional space to blur things up a bit. Great idea!!
Yes! Mike isn’t one to set limits on day to day stuff like bed times, screen time, etc. but when he does on the bigger things, he’s clear and steady. And thank you for “getting me” and for your kind words!
You hit on so many things we have to worry about with children these days. We live in a semi-rural area and our children go to school with lots of folks we don’t cross paths with. That doesn’t mean they are bad folks, but who’s to know? And does that mean our daughter can spend the night if we don’t know them well (or at all)? Glad that this all worked out for you. It never ends. As parents, I feel we just have to have a little faith and trust our child and increase their boundaries the older they get. It’s tough.
It is tough – the trust, setting limits, having faith – all of it! Thanks for commenting!
I hope that when our two girls are older (now nearly 4 and 2) my husband I will gel as well as you and yours. Thank you for sharing this. I will take notes!
Perfect ages – so much joy to come! Since you’re taking notes, will you remind me next time I’m scared to say no?
Nicely done! Limit setting for you also includes knowing your own limits…which you did. Bravo!
Thank you!
That would be a tough call for me, too! Fortunately, my girls have only been invited to sleepunders so far.
I think sleepunders are the best invention since sippy cups! Our little kids get to feel like big kids without my having to lose sleep! Genius!
Ahhhh…so great when they jump in and take care of business for once!!!
He’s definitely been outed – he has serious skills!
I’m looking forward to that stage – I’m better suited to those types of parenting challenges than the kind you have with toddlers. My husband – eek. They’re going to have him wrapped around their little fingers. They already do.
My husband is the more lenient parent on lots of little issues so I was surprised he was so good at this bigger one. Maybe your hubby will surprise you!? If not, enjoy your superiority!
This might be one of my favorite posts of yours EVER. “I am fucking this up. Please handle.” Priceless and makes me love you even more over my shared love of the most descriptive word in the English language.
The f word says it all in a variety of situations! Thank you!
I have never heard of a sleep-under. I love it!
I hope I don’t have a hard time setting limits when I have kids. I can see myself being the wishy-washy pushover and hoping my husband can pull out the big guns and put his foot down and all that bad-guy stuff for me, but that isn’t exactly fair.
I bet you’ll find a good groove together over time. If not, call me and we’ll learn together!
The concept of a “sleep under” is genius! Man, I’m sure the tween years have their perks too but I’m afraid! Eek! I tend to be an overly firm limit setter whereas my husband tends to be a pushover. I wonder how our parenting dynamic will evolve.
I’m grateful Mike and I are learning to partner and our partnership continues to evolve (evolve is the perfect word for it – thank you!). And yes, tweens are pretty awesome!
I really liked the ideas you came up with as other options. Not a total no was a great way to make things a little easier to swallow. And I LOVE the idea of a sleep under!
We were pretty darn proud of ourselves also!
And congrats on the YW Invitational Grid listing for your awesome post!
It was always “good” cop/”bad” cop for us but when it really came down to it, my husband stood up and I was happy and relieved. This was a great example of parental teamwork. It will come in handy in the future! I’m so happy you had a great NYE.
I am definitely the “limit setter” in our house. Which makes me the bad cop and not as much fun as daddy. I love how you guys supported each other through this and didn’t shit a brick. You handled it gracefully and tactfully. You were right to go with your gut. You have some very fortunate kids!
xo.
Kiran
{Melinda} Oh, it is so hard isn’t it? I have been where you’ve been. I remember that transition to tween and it still makes me a little sick. I recall the dread in telling things my daughter didn’t want to hear. She’s 16 now, but it’s still hard. She’s more mature and more accepting of boundaries. In fact, she often doesn’t even ask for some things because she already knows it’s a “no.” In the past, she would ask and throw a fit. So, it really does get better. I think 7th grade is the hardest — for boys and girls. My son is in 7th grade now.
You did so many things right here! I am definitely with you on knowing the family/parents well before letting kids sleepover. My oldest is 14, and I’m so glad we’re not there yet. Although, I think boys are a little different. I don’t see many boys running around doing sleepovers, do you? And way to go for parenting as a team! Awesome job.