We have enough toys and games in our home for any self-respecting little kids to lose themselves in our playroom for days; certainly enough dolls, dress-up clothes, ride-on toys, sports equipment and art supplies to keep a troupe of preschoolers entertained and satisfied. In my mind, we’re the cool house for the five- and-under set. We have that going for us.
However, as I found out recently when Ava (our 9 yo) invited two of her good friends over for a play date, when it comes to activities to entertain the young tween set, our house is decidedly uncool (according to me).
From the minute her friends walked in our home, I was anxious. We don’t own the latest tech gadgets; the ones I imagine ALL of Ava’s friends have (and of course, all of you have also!) – iPads/iPods for everyone, Wii, Xbox, Smart TVs.
With nothing but our treasure trove of Polly Pockets and Bitty Babies, we are not the cool tween house.
Sure, I had good food on hand, but the girls came over right after lunch and didn’t touch the spread of quesadillas, guacamole and overly-frosted cupcakes I lovingly set out. They wanted to play. And I panicked.
What would they do for two hours? How fast could I get a Wii set delivered and set up? Who offers that service? Anyone? Best Buy?
I’m a big believer in free play, and we limit our kids’ screen time, except when my my daughter’s popularity is at stake!
Not one to let go and trust without a fight, I went into control mode. I offered idea after idea of how they could spend their time together: Play Trouble! String friendship bracelets! Put together a 4000-piece puzzle! Put on a Broadway-caliber show (I’ll make costumes!). See, we’re a fun family! Really!
My ideas were endless, my interference bordered on ridiculous. Why did I have to work so hard? Why did I need these kids to be entertained?
I’ll tell you why. Because I like these girls and I want them to like Ava and I want them to want to gather at our house.
Did the fact that these girls already like Ava and apparently enjoy her company enough to hang out with her on a Sunday come into consideration? No, no it did not.
I want Ava to be popular and happy and never feel embarrassed or less than … and …. and… Hmmm. Who wants to be popular, happy and never feel embarrassed or less than? Me?
Perhaps I need a hobby other than controlling my daughter’s social life and reliving my own childhood through her?
Growing up, we never had the cool house. My parents, Italian immigrants, didn’t know cool from cavatelli. My mom and dad didn’t have the financial means or interest to invest money in gadgets and technology – no Atari, VCRs or cable for us.
We did; however, always have an abundance of food. And supervision. My mom hovered; continuously asking my friends if they wanted a slice of her freshly baked onion pie. Or a cannoli. Good god, the embarrassment! Somehow, despite this depravity, I survived. And had friends.
How likely was Ava to say the same? How long would the riveting game, “Stay Away from Ava’s Lunatic Mother,” hold her and her friends’ interest?
I finally surrendered. I told myself Ava and her friends would be fine, this was my anxiety (can you say “b-a-g-g-a-g-e?”), and they could twiddle their thumbs for a couple of hours and probably have fun doing it. Or maybe they could play charades?
When I finally settled down and attended to my own lunch needs (I make a damn good quesadilla!), Ava and her friends settled in too, choosing to huddle in the family room and sing karaoke. (Good thing I bought that karaoke machine last Christmas – my genius finally paid off!)
After a few minutes, I heard them playing with the microphone – pretending they were broadcasters interviewing each other for their school’s television show. They happily did this for more than an hour before belting out songs like miniature Beyonces and melting into giggles.
Perhaps we are still in the running for the cool house after all? Just in case, should I order a Wii?
Is this poetic license again? You had a very different childhood then I did I guess? I never realized mom was an Italian immigrant? Who knew considering she was born and raised in Chicago. Nor did I know they didn’t have means to buy anything and everything we wanted and needed. Times were rough in upper middle class Oak Brook, IL. There was no cable and we had Atari and a VCR. Maybe I grew up in a bubble?
We do indeed have very different memories of childhood. I like yours better. Perhaps I can rewrite mine to match?
Maybe we are not related, you grew up in a different home and had different parents? I know you have always had an interesting view of our childhoods. IT was your impression and experience, I guess. Parents hovered and m & d were definitely more strict than parenting philosophies trend towards now. That’s what they did back then. We always had friends around and slumber parties and parties. Kids in our neighborhood loved mom and dad, onion pie and all? I wish we did have cable back then though. I imagine if it had been invented we would have. I think this is middle child syndrome. Ha, ha. They must have just spoiled and doted on Rita and me. Mary? Mary, who?
LOL. Love that. “Mary, who?” Definitely sounds like a case of middle child syndrome!
I don’t have this problem with my boys; they grab a football or baseball, go outside for a while, come in hungry and then go out again. Your snack spread sounds divine; can I come play at your house?
Yes! Please do!!
Onion pie sounds delicious. I love this post and relate to every word. It reminds me of beloved Anne Lamott.
You are too kind. Thank you! And as an adult, I love onion pie. I’ll snag you a piece next time I see my mom!
Wow. Nice.
Think of it this way… If all of the other kids already have that stuff at home, why would they need to come to your house to play with it? I know times have changed since we were kids, but my favorite things to do with my friends were invent our own secret “club” and to play truth or dare (including calling our favorite boy crush from school and hanging up when he answered) and paint our nails and do our hair. Who wants to sit around and watch tv when you can do that at home?? I think your daughter will be fine if she finds the right kind of friends. We have some of that stuff, and I worry about the opposite… I don’t want my son to have friends that want to come over and play because he has “cool stuff.” I want them to want to play with him because of who he is. Right???
I’m sure your snacks will make you very popular too!!! Hehe!
You are a wise woman, Laura! And your son is lucky to have your sensibilities in his blood line!
Ava and her friends didn’t have any complaints about our toy/tech situation, it was all me! Thankfully, I’m covered in the snack department. Thanks for commenting!
Great post! We don’t have any of the fancy stuff either but it seems my kids and their friends are getting on just fine!
Yes! I’m grateful to own my own anxiety about fitting in and not have to put it on my girls (at least not too much!)
I grew up in an Indian household. Our house smelled like curry, nothing matched, our furniture didn’t make much sense and we didn’t know things about how to decorate a house. I was always so embarrassed to bring my friends home. But you know what’s funny? None of them cared. And when I think back on it, all of my friends’ families had their own ways, their own quirks and I never thought twice about it. I don’t know why I was always so self-conscious.
BTW, I would have been inviting myself over for Onion pie. Like every day.
Great post. Your daughter and her friends don’t need that stuff. They just need each other. Those are the things that make great memories.
Kiran
Ditto to everything you said. I don’t know why I was embarrassed either, but I was. Onion pie was so un-American and as a kid I longed to be like all my peanut-butter and jelly toting pals. Today, I’ll take onion pie, especially now that I know you’ll be stopping by regularly!
I could relate so much to your near-hives response to the possible rejection of your house’s coolness… I almost broke out in them myself as I read! Our oldest is a tween and on top of it has developmental disabilities, so not only are we equipped for the younger set, we’ve never really had friends over to play with her until this year! I’m feeling like a complete freak about it a lot of the time, hovering partly out of joy that my daughter has friends and partly to make sure they have a fun enough time to come back! (As if, as you point out, it has much to do with us at all. I can’t even remember the faces of any of my friends’ parents growing up….)
Nice to find you through Mothering From Scratch!
Another reason to love Mothering From Scratch!
“Near hives” is the perfect description, and you’re right, I don’t really remember my friends’ parents at all! Is it possible it’s not all about me?
I understand hovering out of fear and joy – well said. My only goal at this point is not to scare them away! Thanks for visiting!
Funny post.
We seem to always be evaluating our toys too. Yes, we have a wii but not many of the other gifts. I dont really linger on play dates. I just offer refresments. Also, if it gets to quiet, I check in.
However, I hear you about putting your issues on to the child.
I think those kuds should be pretty darn happy with that spread of food.
I agree! More quasadillas and guacamole for us!
haha. The hoops we jump through during playdates at our house too especially now that my oldest has entered elementary school, I feel like everyone has upped the ante. I sit at my computer while the kids play in the room while at other people’s house, they have elaborate arts and crafts set up. Oops. In the end, I think (and hope) that our kids will be just fine and not remember so much what they played with their friends exactly but just that they had fun. At leats I hope so!
Oh, yes. The arts and crafts folks. I know them well. I am so not them.
We like our fun simple and non-glitter glue related in our house! Have a great weekend!
{Kathy} I have had some interesting experiences over the years with tween play dates. When they are under 13, kids just “play something”. I noticed that during the teen years, they wanted to go over others’ houses because, basically, they had some sort of room where they could be alone without too much parental supervision. It drove me crazy. Teenagers like to be left alone, with food available. That’s what I figured out. I wanted to talk, and talk and talk some more to their friends…..they would’ve rather me just disappear….and appear again when I had an announcement of food ready.
Ha! Expectations do us in again! I also wanted/expected Ava’s friends to talk with me. I didn’t realize it until I read your comment. Apparently I’m in need of more play dates for myself! Wanna come over?
This is such an awesome post Mary! I have to admit, I have the cool teen house. It’s nice but we can never go out due to the worry about parties! We trust our son but not his ability to say no if 15 kids show up at the door. So, be careful what you ask for! It’s good though. We love being the gathering place. At least we know what they are up to! I think kids are happy anywhere, as long as they are with friends.
Just like us, right? I’m happy when I’m with my friends, no matter what we’re doing. I can trust Ava and her friends are the same. If not, will you send me the blueprints/instructions for a “cool” house? Please?
yeah, what stacie said!
Ha, I worry so much when my daughter has friends over about whether they will have fun. We have all the ipads and stuff and I take it off my daughter, turn the TV off and refuse to let them have it on, because it means one playing, one watching, or all staring at the goggle box and no interacting. I think all her friends consider me a right strict mummy. However, when she had a friend here the other day I heard them sitting on her bed doing spelling and maths tests together – playing school. How boring is that!? But, they seemed to be happy so I left them to it.
(Oh, except there is one friend she has over that I turn the TV on for – it’s the best way to keep this hyper child form destroying my house).
I love that your daughter and her friend did math and spelling together! Now that’s cool (to me!)! I’m also usually the one to say no TV or computers when the girls have play dates over cause I want them to interact with other kids. They can watch TV or play computer games solo on their own time!
My house was the most uncool house. When growing up, we had PLASTIC SEAT COVERS. It’s true. And it’s horrifying. (But the story of how they came off would make good blog.) You might have just inspired another post.
The *first one* you inspired comes out next week. Look for the pingback. The next one? Maybe August!
Unless there are other inspirations in between!
Love it! I can’t wait to read next week’s post and all the rest! My grandmother had plastic covers on everything and we did too in our living room until I was in middle school or junior high. Can’t wait to hear your story of how yours came off! I don’t remember what made my mom take hers off. I forgot all about the horrors of plastic covers until you mentioned it!
We have very few cool gadgets in our house either. I’ve come to terms with it.
But I totally understand your angst. I share it.
Thank you for getting me! I hate the idea of my kids playing video and computer games for hours on end, unless their popularity is at stake (in my own head!).
Great post!! Raising kids is not for the faint-hearted, for sure, but you’ve been given the privilege…and you’re doing a great job…be yourself…your kids are blessed!!
Such a great and honest take on it all Mary!! I too feel that “people pleasing” anxiety when my kids’ friends are over because I want SO badly for the kids to love hanging at our house! It’s such a pride and insecurity thing… My 9 year old had her new BFF’s over for a sleepover (five girls) and the girls didn’t stop wanting my lead….it was like the “Chris Show!”- and they ate it up! (All in the name of pride) BUT- I was so so exhausted and told my daughter I can’t do these shows like that again, I was wanting to make a good impression for her and I sure hope they can manage themselves next time!
I am one of those hold out moms – we just got a Wii system and my oldest is alomst 9. WE do not have ipads or DS games of any of that – and I too often feel that angst that I do not have enough here to enterain play date friends! But at the end of the day – just having their friends HERE is enough. Like yours, they figure out what to do and just enjoy being together. Well written post as always! One of my favorites of the week!
All your kiddos need are your encouragement (which they obviously have) and great food (they have that too) and they will figure it all out amongst themselves. No need to worry and give yourself wrinkles.
Instead, enjoy your quesadillas. Found you through Bloggy Moms.