My husband returned last week from a three-night trip to Miami to watch his beloved Notre Dame football team get walloped by the unstoppable Crimson Tide. Mike’s getaway left me the sole parent, a role I have played many times and one I typically milk for as much resentment as possible.
Mike is exceptionally good at making plans with friends for activities he enjoys. Whether arranging football weekends, golf outings or ski trips, Mike knows what he likes and what will bring him joy and connection. He makes both a priority in his life.
Until recently (read today) I’ve been exceptionally good at being a martyr. And a scorekeeper. Not a fulfilling combination in our marriage. (And certainly not a satisfying role for an intelligent, smoking hot woman in her prime.)
Here’s our scorecard:
Mike = 35 Mary = 3
Yes, I’m exaggerating. I’ve only taken one trip: a weekend visit to New York City last June with a dear friend.
This disparity has been an issue in our marriage for years; ever since we were blessed with children. Our pattern looks like this: Mike makes plans for a night or weekend away. I collect a chit for a future getaway.
And by collect I mean hoard. My chits are stacked to the ceiling and threatening to overtake our living space. The time never feels right for me to plan a solo adventure, so I save my chits for a future, better time. When will this magical “better time” occur? Perhaps when our young daughters are away at college?
Don’t get me wrong, we do a lot of activities together as a family and as a couple. From date nights to nights away, we tend to our marriage in ways big and small. But most of my time is family time. When it comes to making room for individual pursuits, I’ve lagged behind (hid behind?) my socially-engaged husband for years.
I believe I deserve my own time, but am afraid of using up my IOUs and never having more; afraid of committing to my own happiness. If I keep my adventures in the future, I’ll have something to look forward to – you know, when we’re 84 and living on a fixed income. Then I’ll make time. Woot, I’ll live it up!
While pragmatism can be a worthwhile asset, I don’t want to model martyrdom and deprivation for our daughters or teach them by example that only one person in a marriage gets to enjoy time away for fun and pleasure. And somehow resentment doesn’t look as good on me as I hoped.
I believe people are put in my life, by choice and by design, to teach me things and help me hit bottom on traits that don’t work for me anymore. Under that belief, Mike has been trying for years to teach me to grab what I want and enjoy every big, juicy bite of it, trusting that more is on its way.
I have a choice. I can resent my husband and be a victim (Option A) or learn from his example and plan my own time away (Option B).
Option A: “What the fuck, Mike? Why do you get to go away on another boondoggle? You should be here with your family having fun, damn it.”
Option B: “Have a great trip, Mike! Before you leave, let’s coordinate our calendars for next weekend because I’m going away with my girlfriends. You have the babysitters’ numbers if you need them. Wanna have sex before your flight?”
Which would you choose? Exactly.
Today I cashed in one of my chits and spontaneously planned my own weekend getaway with two girlfriends. For next weekend! Although I’m feeling squirmy, I’m proud of myself and excited to try on a new role in my family.
One concern: without my regular martyrdom and resentment fix, who will I be? Time will tell, but next weekend, I’ll be the one sitting by a pool reading a book. You may not recognize me. But I bet I’ll be looking damn good.
Also linking up with the good-looking group of writers at Yeah Write. Come check us out.
Mary! I’m cashing in one of my piled-high chits next weekend. I’ll be at the Happy House with a friend. I hope you have a GREAT time. Honestly, we deserve it – don’t you think?
Yes, yes, yes! I know you’ll have a fabulous time! Keep your fingers crossed that Mike is feeling better in time for me to go, at least for one night! And hell yes we deserve it!
Good for you Mary!! I am a huge proponent of taking time for ourselves as individuals outside of just being mom or dad. And to be happy. My hubs is away now and believe me, for once I’m not resentful bc I know he serves this time away. And so do I which is what I’m planning right now
enjoy your weekend away.
You are a wise woman! I hope this is a first step in letting go of resentment and makes next time that much easier. Thanks for your encouragement!
Way to go! Hilarious and beautifully written . . . and I’m delighted you are saying “yes” to a girls weekend away. Enjoy!!!
Saying “yes” and breathing … my motto for today!
first, love the score card pix!! and the word boondoggle – what is that exactly??
i’m no expert at getting away – i also consider it a lot but don’t ever go. i don’t know why either. i’m not saving anything. i think i actually just worry leaving my family. i’m afraid to fly without them or be away for too long. maybe i think they’ll realize that they would survive a weekend without me and i don’t like it..? i don’t know, that seems wrong. anyway, from the girl who is still saving her pretty underwear, i’m so so glad you planned a weekend!! go you and then go you again and again. mike is right. take your time and enjoy it. this is life baby. you got to be in it to win it. 
xo
I’m a saver too – pretty underwear, luxury bath products and all! I want to learn to use and enjoy and trust there will be enough. You’d think I was a Depression era baby or something! I’ll let you know how it goes, then I’ll bug you to join me on my next getaway!
i’m a food hoarder. i’ve got so much crap in my bag. i always joke it’s because my mom starved me in the womb.
i’m contemplating the blogher conference this summer in chicago. i really don’t know if it’s worth it… have you done one? what do you think?
Awwww. How wonderful! You totally deserve it. I hope you have a magical time!
Thanks, love. I’ll take a hug when I see you!
Sounds like you deserve it 100 times over! Start planning the next one before you leave. My husband travels a lot for work. I only leave about once every 5 years (college reunion). I need to escape more too!
Plan my next one before I leave? That’s the best advice ever! Let’s meet halfway at a spa!!
You totally deserve your weekends away. We don’t have kids yet, and I don’t know what it will look like when we do, but I have found that separate weekends away, or even separate dinners with friends during the week, are incredibly healthy for our marriage. It keeps us independent, and keeps us appreciative of each other.
You’re a smart woman. Setting up these patterns before you have children will help so much. I’m a different person when I spend time with friends and get out to do my own thing for an evening. Let’s hope the same is true when I’m away for a night or two!!
Yay, Mary! I hope you have a blast! My version of going away by myself is to go up in my loft and write. Fun in its own way. I’ll see how stepping out works for you before I make my next move. . .
Deal! I’ll give you the blow-by-blow! And yes, time alone to write is heavenly … Enjoy!
I think that part of this is that moms (all of us) feel an obligation to our kids (or our friends to their kids) that dads just do not feel. Simple as that. I deal with this from time to time in my marriage to – less now than earlier, and that’s my conclusion at least.
I definitely feel a different sense of obligation to our kids than my husband seems to. He doesn’t seem to struggle at all with being away. I’ll probably need to be dragged out tomorrow!
I COULD NOT LOVE THIS POST MORE!!!!!!! You ROCKED it with every. single. thing. you. said. You GO Mary!!!! I loved the score board, the options and the down right truth and honesty your words lit up!! I am SO happy you are doing something fun and filling for YOU. Maybe each time you do it, you will get better at doing it? And all of a sudden…the scoreboard will tilt over to your side!!!
Thank you, my angel friend! You are the best cheerleader and I so appreciate your encouragement. I’m hoping to take in a lot of nourishment this weekend!
I hope you have a great time looking damn good by that pool reading a book. This was a great blog post. I especially liked this reflection/paragraph: I don’t want to model martyrdom and deprivation for our daughters or teach them by example that only one person in a marriage gets to enjoy time away for fun and pleasure. And somehow resentment doesn’t look as good on me as I hoped.
I’m counting on looking good even though I’ll likely be snoring and drooling once my head hits horizontal on the lounge chair!
WooHoo! Good for you. I could relate to so much of this post.
Sounds like it’s time for a getaway for you too!
I hope you have a blast!
My hubby travels for work a heckuva lot more than he used to and I’m always the one home. I try not to be resentful, but I’m darn tired and need a break myself. But we have no spare change right now. All I really need is a night with uninterrupted sleep…. Someday…
I hear you on the sleep. I’ll meet you halfway between our homes and we can camp out or something for a good night’s sleep!
This post immediately made me recall my “commitment” to cloth diapers that ended when I realized I was welling with tears and cursing Gaia each time my son defecated. Dan made clear from the start he was unwilling to stand over the toilet bowl 6 times a day spraying tenacious chunks of crap off the diapers; that task fell to me (the whole diaper thing was my idea anyway). I didn’t want to admit it to myself at the time, but the day I decided maybe a pack of sweet, sweet Huggies was the key to better mental health was the day I realized he’d been right about guarding himself from overwork in a job (middle-aged parent caring for two kids) that was already plenty hard.
I am going on a women’s retreat overnight next month. I think it’s my first trip solo since our second kid came along. I am planning to make it the first of many– as Dan has already done long ago. We’ve learned to meet in the middle about lots of things, which has been facilitated by him taking over with the kids during many of my night shifts, so that we both get doses of I’m-so-tired-and-they’re-so-sprightly/needy/hungry and compare notes on how best to optimize parenting while minimizing burnout. He has become a true domestic partner, and I’ve become willing to learn from his wisdom that maybe an extra 30 minutes of screen time for the kiddies while Mom catches up on Slate is not the devil, especially since Mom will be less likely to do that thing where her eyes bug out and she throws snack foods around the kitchen from the unrelentingness of it all.
Bottom line? I think kids, being full-scale human beings, provide enough challenges and calls for introspection without us making the job harder by refusing to get a life outside of them.
Amen to all of your comments! I love that you and Dan are true partners and that you’re taking steps to build a life outside of your kids. And do I relate to the extra 30 minutes of TV? Mike has been showing me that particular wisdom also – so hard to let that be okay, but a godsend when I do. Hope the retreat is heavenly and effortless!
Good for you – enjoy your get away.
The scoreboard is a cool graphic.
Thank you! I’ll tell you how to do the scoreboard it if you want!
Sure. That would be nice.
Mary, you need to cash in some chits! I love response B. I seriously spit out some of my Diet Pepsi with the “wanna have sex before the flight?” You are too awesome.
I love the idea of being the woman who can say and mean Option B. Baby steps …
This must be a theme in all marriages. While my score might not be as high as your husband’s, I definitely have taken my trips when I need/want them. My wife, while improving, seems to not take advantage of the opportunities she’s presented w/ to get away on her own or w/ friends. I hope your weekend is fun. You should do it more often!
Your lips to god’s ears… more often is my goal!
Great attitude! I’d send my hubby away in a heartbeat if that meant I earned a weekend away, too. Ah, a girl can dream…
Here’s the plan: your hubby calls mine, mine makes a plan for the two of them, the next weekend, you and I go away! Yay, us!
Mary! You work so hard with the girls and you deserve some you ‘me time’! I am having a ball reading your blog and keeping up with what Ava and Rhys are up to! Miss you guys and I hope you’re doing well! =)
Oh, how I miss you! Thank you so much for reading and commenting! I hope all is going great for you! xoxo
Good for you for recognizing that you were doing that! Too many people don’t
It’s been really hard to change this pattern. Baby steps … Thanks for the encouragement!
Smart, smart lady! I’m sure he’ll be thrilled – for you, and for the slight evening of the scorecard!
Let’s hope I’m on a roll and can even it out even more!
Good! For! You! Have an amazing time
I’m visualizing myself relaxing with a book right now!
Option B All the WAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!
You are so right!
I’ve seen you talk before about how you can’t stand the clutter that builds up in your house – so how are you managing with those chit piles? Get rid of them, girl! And where will you be left without the resentment and martyrdom? As an intelligent, smoking hot woman in her prime!
Amen!!
Glad you recognized your worth and grabbed an opportunity. I’m afraid I’ll fall into that pattern of collecting IOUs too – it’s so easy to do when you’re just trying to be a “good wife.” And the thing is, as hard at it was for you to cash in those chits, your husband is probably delighted you’re getting out and having some fun. Enjoy your weekend!
Thank you! Mike thanked me for making these plans! Go figure!
Yay, Mary! I am so excited for you and your trip.
I so related to this post because I played the martyr too when our kids were young. My husband traveled for work and was in a band. I resented him so much when he was gone.
Now that the kids are older, I savor the alone time when he’s gone and I go with him to his gigs. I figure I can either embrace his “hobby” and have fun myself or sit home alone and be miserable. A pretty obvious choice, but it took me a while to figure it out.
Have an AWESOME time!!!!
It is so helpful and hopeful to hear from people like you who have struggled with this issue and figured it out. I’ll call you next time I’m stuck in a resentment groove!
Good for you, Momma! I will try to learn from your example.
You and I are kindreds. My Mr. Wonderful was in the military for 25 years. So in addition to the fishing trips and football games, we left me flying solo for LONG periods of time with work. 6 months when I had a toddler, 3 weeks here, a month there, then a 1 year stretch in Baghdad. I estimated once that before the year in Iraq, he had been gone for 3 1/2 years. So a few months ago I cashed in one of my chits and went to Paris for a week with my cousin. And this fall I’m going on a girlfriend cruise.
Martyrs no more, my friend!
You are an inspiration! Paris and a cruise sound amazing – yay, you! I’m not there yet, but I’m willing to learn from you how to take in big trips like those!
Well, my kids are older. So take it as the light at the end of the tunnel!
Glad you are able to plan a weekend with your girlfriends! That sounds like fun!
Good for you!! I played the martyr roll for quite some time and I’m very over it. I’ve been hanging out with my girlfriends, meeting up with blogger friends, I am going to another blogging conference and generally taking time for me. So important to take care of ourselves!
So good to know you’ve beat this martyrdom bullshit! I’ll use you for inspiration when I sign up for a blogging conference next!
Oh yeah!!! I’m so excited for you and you deserve this. Martyrdom stinks, big time. I know because I’ve been there two in different ways. I love the way you handled this AND if any guy was smart, they would always choose Option B!
Thankfully, my husband is a smart man!! Let’s hope this a big step for me in kicking martyrdom to the curb!
It was so reversed at my house, up until she left. Now, I have every other weekend to get away…except I don’t know what to do with myself. Lack of practice will do that. But I’m not bitter…
WG
How sad. Thank you for sharing your a cautionary tale. I’ll practice if you will?! Thanks for visiting!
Good job on cashing in your chit! There is a couple I know where this happens, and I have always been amazed that the wife doesn’t get mad when he brings up his next trip. But I think she is happy to only cash her chits in now and then, and prefers to be at home otherwise. It works for them. I think every couple just has to find their particular balance and it looks like you are finding yours.
Have a lovely girls weekend!
I think your friend was me for a few years – I liked that Mike took care of himself and I’ve always been more of a homebody. Now that I’ve made these plans, I can’t believe how excited I am! I’m hoping this is a step toward a better balance for us! Good to “see” you again!!
You totally deserve a girls’ weekend! Enjoy!
Can’t wait to read my new book and relax! Thank you!
Good for you! Have a great time on your get-away and you are not allowed to feel guilty!
Done! Won’t have a drop of guilt!
I say you should go with options B. Life is too short to look back and have regrets. Enjoy life while you can. No one is going to think you are a bad mom because you make some time for yourself and and then. You obviously are a great mom (and wife). You owe it to yourself and your family to enjoy life. Great read, I think if the mom thing falls though for you, you definitely have a future in writing.
And you are a sweetheart! Here’s to enjoying life today! Thank you for reading and commenting.
Yay for planning a getaway!! I’m going away for a weekend in February with my girlfriends for the first time and I can’t wait. Most of us have young kids and if it goes well, we’ll make it an annual thing.
Have a fantastic time!
I’m hoping our weekend will become an annual thing too! Have a fabulous trip!
A good choice – martyrdom is so unattractive!
Enjoy your time away with the girls.
Unattractive indeed – causes wrinkles too!
Why in the bloody effing-eff do we do that?! I have about 13 days straight worth of “time off” accumulated that I’m afraid to ask for, because, ‘what if it’s not worth it?’, ‘what if the toddler won’t go to sleep without me there AGAIN’, or, ‘what if the smoke alarm goes off while I’m away for the weekend and The Manchild doesn’t hear it and the house burns down and I come back to a pile of ashes for a family?!’ …
Sometimes you just have to go for the gusto, babe. Enjoy your time off!
I hear you! I have the same thoughts and I’m going for it anyway! Hope you get to use those days soon!
Question- Does a weekend take 1, 2, or 3 chits?
I’m willing to use 1, 2 or 3 chits at this point. I’ll learn to negotiate down the road! And, yes, never wanting to come home is my fear too!
Good for you! Great post! It’s hard to get out of old habits, but you made it look pretty easy.
Yep, my old habits refuse to die peacefully! Baby steps for me!
This is awesome! Go you
I think it’s great that you got away and I’ll bet you do look fantastic by that pool. Enjoy!
Thanks for the vote of confidence! My pool time was limited but I did have fun!!
Welcome to Dude Write!
Good for you on getting away. I think that if you’re going to do things like this, it’s much better when you’re young and can still have the best time. But I know it’s hard with kids.
I don’t recall ever taking an overnight trip away from my wife that was something other than work related. As far as my wife goes, I can only remember once, she went away with her sisters over the weekend. And this is in about 20 years together.
Honestly, if we could just get away together for a weekend once in a while, we’re pretty happy.
Thanks for the welcome! I’ll take a weekend away with my husband any day! Hope you and your wife get one soon!
With all of them saved up, it sounds like you are owed a nice vacation to somewhere tropical. Just sayin.
I’m in! When do we leave?!
Oh, this is awesome – and such an inspiration. It took me a couple of years to cash in my first chit, but now I make it a habit of getting away once (maybe even twice?!) a year with a girlfriend. I find it so renewing – both for me and my marriage. I hope you have an amazing trip!
Thanks, Kristen! I’m inspired by you and all the people who cash in their chits and make time away a priority. Once or twice a year sounds heavenly!