My husband, Mike, is the one with a concussion, stitches and cracked teeth, but I feel like I got hit by a Mega Bus. Not one to ignore an opportunity to make someone else’s crisis about me, here I go…
I keep having flashes of seeing Mike unconscious on the stairs, bleeding from his head. I burst into tears at random times. I feel a sense of dread and alternate between feeling patient and loving with the girls and incensed at their constant noise. Rhys (4) dropped her doll over the stairs to Ava (9) yesterday, and I nearly lost my shizz. When I come home after being away for a couple hours, I’m scared I’ll find Mike on the floor again or dead.
This is the price of being attached, of loving. I hate this price, always have. I hate that once we open ourselves to love, we stand to lose. We are vulnerable to hurt; to the whims of the world, of life, of nature. After our daughter’s bike accident last fall, I thought God and I had a deal. Apparently, I still have some learning to do.
Could I take a pass on the vulnerability love demands?
Photo Credit: http://pinterest.com/yazoah/
Coincidentally, before Mike’s accident I was reading the book, Signs of Life by Natalie Taylor, about a young woman whose husband died after hitting his head in a freak skateboarding accident. She was pregnant at the time of her husband’s death and somehow wrote this heartbreaking, compelling memoir in her spare time. Reading Natalie’s poignant words was helping me feel grateful for my husband; appreciative of his simply being in the world.
I have so much relief and gratitude that I’m not in the author’s shoes, yet at the same time I feel panic that something horrible will happen. And I have to be on guard. As if.
Life may be trying to teach me that I’m really not in control. I surrender. Sort of. I’ve been holding on too tight, walking in terror much of the time. Instead of trying to control my terror, I want to learn to embrace it, live with it, give it a seat at the table, but not the head of the table.
I want my terror to serve me, rather than the other way around. I don’t know what benefits embracing my terror will offer, but I want to find out because pushing it down isn’t working and controling offers no benefits other than pause and paralysis.
My brain tells me I don’t want to open my heart any more, yet I will. I will because I am the hero of my own story and the hero opens up her heart and reaps the benefits and the sorrows. Life didn’t work any better for me when I played it safe. Life didn’t deliver the promises I longed for until I was willing to be vulnerable. Now that I have those promises, I have to learn to live with this fear of loss.
I’ve wanted all the pluses of attachment – joy, love, excitement, a heart bursting with life and joy. Got ‘em. But safety isn’t one of those promises. Is love still worth it? I think so. I hope so.
What is the alternative? A life of searching for an attachment that won’t leave me hurt or aching? I didn’t feel the same vulnerability all those years I was yearning for a spouse and children. As long as I was longing, I was in control. Once attachment set in, I was toast; no longer guarded against pain and fear and hurt.
As I think about the Natalie Taylors of the world and all the parents and loved ones of the victims of Newtown, the Brazilian nightclub fire and the daily accidents, shootings, diseases and the like, I’m reminded of the saying, “Love is not for the faint of heart.”
And for me, today, there is no acceptable alternative. There are, however, helmets. And we’ll be sporting these beauties at all times from now on.
it ain’t easy. i know it too well. i can’t stand it, but there is no alternative. we must move on, and live and breathe and love and laugh, and put our fears in a box in the back of our heads and keep it wrapped with a nice tight bow. there is no protection from life. aint for the faint of heart, couldn’t say it better. more hugs!!
I’ll take every one of those hugs! Got any extra strong ribbon for my bow on ya? xo
Is it just me or do guys really NEED those helmets?? I feel like it was just days ago that your daughter broke her arm… BE CAREFUL PEOPLE! Maybe your family is plotting some sordid scheme wherein they intentionally injure themselves in order to provide fodder for great writing?
(But seriously, glad he’s gonna be ok)
Definitely a master plot on behalf of my family! I’m grateful for the blog fodder, but can live without the high drama. At least for a few months. And, yes, the helmets have our name on them!
Hope you are doing great! Hugs!
Oh hell yes–every. Single. Word.
You know fear is the most paralyzing thing. I get your fear. ESPECIALLY since you just experienced the trauma of almost losing the one most precious to your heart. When I go “there” I constantly go to God. Psalm 139 always speaks to me. This verse is a good one:
Psalm 139:16
You saw me before I was born.
Every day of my life was recorded in your book.
Every moment was laid out
before a single day had passed.
His plan is in place dear friend. Find rest and peace in that truth!!! Your worries and fear will not change it. Ah, how Satan loves our weak hearts! Fear is NOT of the Lord. I say that over and over again too. I have been struggling with anxiety all of my life, I am always in this battle! My other “go to verse”:
2 Timothy 1:7
7 For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.
Find faith in trusting His plan and free yourself of lingering fear about ‘tomorrow’. He will be with you every step of the way. Embrace each blessing in this moment and know He has your days (and your loved one’s days) already counted in His plan.
XOXOXO….
These are lovely and so on target for exactly where I am. I need the reminder to turn to God more often. Thank you so much!
Oh my gosh – my heart totally goes out to you. Please know that my thoughts and prayers are with you. This whole situation had to be soooo scary. Hug to you, dear.
I’m taking every hug and prayer I can get. I’ll take two from you!
You know the song Human Touch by Bruce Springsteen? This post has the same theme.
I go through moments where I think I would rather be on a deserted island – safe & peaceful. Obviously, thats not happening. Anyway, I appreciate & recognixr the vulnerability you share in this very well written post
Sending you a hug. Thank you for understanding. I love that song!
Bruuuuuce! He has song for everything.
Glad I got it and that it was helpful.
perfect joy and perfect ache. it can not be escaped. we just have understand the fact that we are helpless to it and we need to remember. especially in the times of ache, that the joy is around the corner and it will sustain us. it will help us erase the ache and make us stronger for the next time it arrives. because arrive it will. perfectly.
Perfect. Beautifully said. I’ll borrow your hope and trust for today!
Very true pain goes with the territory. Anything worth having is never easy. I hope your fears will lesson as the days go by.
True that. Thank you!
Seriously awesome! It’s definitely worth it. But the helmets can’t hurt.
Helmets for everyone!!
Your post brought tears to my eyes. I can relate to everything you’ve said about fierce attachment; indeed, it’s a topic that obsesses me – how to love beyond measure without being paralyzed by the fear of losing it. I’m so glad that your husband is okay. I hope that his injuries heal quickly – and that your heart does as well. xo
Even your comments are beautifully written! Thank you!
Hope your husband is healing up! On a less philosophical note, long ago one of our friends coined the word “pre-disastered”. Your husband has fallen down the stairs, so don’t worry, you’ve been pre-disastered! Be happy and hug your family.
That’s the best word I’ve heard in a long time!! We should be good to go for a few years at least!
Love those helmets! I might start wearing one, just to have a little bling going on. I especially like this part of your post: “I want my terror to serve me, rather than the other way around. I don’t know what benefits embracing my terror will offer, but I want to find out because pushing it down isn’t working and controling offers no benefits other than pause and paralysis.” So insightful. I want the same thing, but it’s so hard sometimes.
Writing that line is so much easier than living that line! Scary! But the extra bling will help.
Oh, Mary, I feel every word of this post – and you nail it when you say that when we are longing for attachment, we’re still in control. Love – any kind of love – requires surrender – so difficult and scary! I hope Mike is better and I hope your flashes of worry subside – oh, and I am a close runner up for making other people’s crises mine. xo
I’m happy to know I’m not alone in making things about me! Surrender – the hardest, most rewarding task of all. xo
The people who I love the most can cause the most pain. Yet Love won’t let go. It’s a fuel supply for life that is endless. I’m glad you love BIG because you’ll have no need for regrets. No matter what happens.
Your writing quality has been a wonderful, refreshing breeze through my soul! Thank you.
I will hold on to your words all day long! You touched me. Thank you.
You will make it through it all. I know you will. Love never fails!
“Love never fails.” Beautiful!
We don’t know loss if we have nothing to lose. Sending prayers for continued healing!
Perfect point! Thank you!
It’s so scary, isn’t it? I hate thinking that something could happen to my husband… or my kids… or even me. A few years ago, Hubs was in a bad car accident. When he showed me the picture of our Trail Blazer, I freaked out. It was completely totaled. And all I could think was that I had been irritated with him for taking the Trail Blazer that morning and leaving me with the car(which meant one of my young boys had to ride in the front seat, which I hated, even with airbag off). But, if he had had the car instead… I don’t think he would have walked away from that accident. It’s so frightening to think about.
So scary! I mostly worry about the kids getting hurt so this accident caught me off guard. Car accidents are definitely a worst fear. I’m happy to hear your hubby is okay also. Loving others is scary stuff!
Oh, I’d much rather love than have nothing, and I bet you would too. That’s what makes love so grand, knowing you’ve earned it, that it won’t be there forever, but it’s sure wonderful while it lasts.
You’re right, of course. I’ll take love every time! And sometimes have to hold my breath that it won’t be taken away …
Honestly, this has been a fear of mine as well. I remember when a co-worker lost her husband after finding peace within their marriage after years of confusion. I asked the Lord not to take my husband just when I found him. I pray your peace in the Lord. Stopping by from SITS.
Blessings~
Alethea
Thank you for understanding! I appreciate your prayers. Be well!
It’s so hard to let go of worries and remember we are not in control. You have every right to be worked up right now. That was a very scary incident! I’d be the same way. Those helmets are awesome! LOL
Remembering I’m not in control is a continual lesson for me! I think the blinged-out helmets would help everything!
That is a very beautiful post, thank you for sharing. I can totally relate, I must say. The fear of something happening to my loved ones is my biggest fear of all…Sometimes, even the thought of it scares the hell out of me and can get me really depressed…I still give them all of my heart and much more!